And all at once, I don’t want to be here anymore.Not because I dislike it, but because I keep reaching for someone who isn’t here.Every funny story, every ridiculous argument, every burst of laughter, I wonder what Vanessa would think.Or knowing that Vanessa would destroy Dean in an argument.Or that Vanessa would without a doubt steal Lily into a corner and help in the kitchen.The realization unsettles me enough that I stand and grab my coat.
Luc notices.“You out?”
“Yeah.”I shrug into my jacket.“I’ve got somewhere else I need to be.”
Dean looks offended.“You’ve been here like three hours.”
“That’s almost a hostage situation for Hayden,” Mikey jokes.
“Fair point.”Dean concedes.
Lily appears from the kitchen carrying foil-wrapped leftovers before I can argue further.“Take food.”
“I don’t need?—”
“You’re taking food.”Arguing with Lily feels pointless, so I accept the containers as I drop a kiss to her cheek.
“Tell her I said hi.”She whispers so only I can hear.The words stop me cold.Not because of what Lily said.But because of how easy it was for her to say it.Like Vanessa already belongs here.With us.This family of mine.And they haven’t even met her yet.Something shifts in my chest again.
I nod once.“Yeah.I will.”And for the first time all day, I realize exactly where I want to be.
The drive from Luc’s house to Vanessa’s apartment feels longer than it actually is.Maybe because my head is louder now.Too many thoughts.Too many realizations I’ve spent the last several hours trying not to look at directly.
I love her.
The truth sits heavy and undeniable in my chest, impossible to shove back into whatever locked compartment I use to keep emotions inside.And somehow that changes everything.
The city glows gold and white outside the windshield while November wind rattles dead leaves across dark sidewalks.Traffic crawls downtown, headlights streaking against wet pavement from the rain earlier this afternoon.Normally I’d put music on.Tonight, I drive in silence because the noise in my head is loud enough.
By the time I pull up outside Vanessa’s building, the knot beneath my ribs has tightened into something restless enough that I stop pretending not to notice it.Her apartment is dark.I stare up at the windows for a second longer than necessary before killing the engine.
Maybe she’s asleep already.Maybe she took a bath and ignored her phone.Maybe she, no.It’s only a little after seven.She’s just not home.The thought confirmed when I step onto the sidewalk and spot movement inside the front window.
Vinny.The cat sits poised in the window like a tiny judgmental gargoyle staring down at me.He’s alone.I let out a long exhale through my nose.She did say she was going to be with Nicole.But I didn’t think she’d still be out with her.That was hours ago.
I reach for my phone ready to text and ask where she is.The message sits half-formed in my head before I stop myself.Because that’s exactly the kind of thing I promised myself I wouldn’t become with her again.
Vanessa is allowed to exist outside my immediate reach, even if something ugly and restless beneath my skin hates that fact.I shove my phone back into my pocket, then stand there another full minute anyway like a complete fucking idiot.
“Helpful,” I mutter toward the cat.Vinny blinks at me in response.Traitor.
I get back in the car before I can make the very bad decision to sit outside her building waiting for her to come home.Home?Christ.I’m even thinking of her place as mine now.
My grip tightens once against the steering wheel.
I don’t consciously decide to drive toward Gild.One minute I’m heading south through downtown trying not to think at all, and the next I’m pulling into the familiar space across from the club as realization settles into place.
I came here because it reminds me of her now.And not the sex, not even the control.It’s the comfortable connection we established while here.That realization probably should concern me more than it does.
The elevator opens into warm darkness and candlelight.Gild breathes around me like a warm breeze wrapping me in low music and velvet shadows.Bodies are moving through flickering gold light like ghosts.The club always feels untethered from reality somehow.Like time slows to a different pace here.
Tonight, it only takes three steps inside before my entire body locks in place as my gaze lands on the last person I expected to see here.
Vanessa.
She’s sitting at the bar beside who I assume is Nicole.One long leg is crossed elegantly over the other, while candlelight catches deep auburn waves spilling over bare shoulders.Her dark dress hugs every soft curve of her body, and rich, wine-red lipstick accentuates her mouth beneath the low amber glow.
And she’s laughing.Not the polite laugh she uses when she’s being professional, but real laughter that I know travels all the way up from her stomach.Her head is tilted back exposing her neck, and her eyes are bright and relaxed.She looks stunningly beautiful.My chest tightens so abruptly it almost feels violent.Because all I can think is, she didn’t need me tonight.
