For a long moment neither of us speaks.The room feels quieter now.Because somehow, we’ve managed to be honest in a way we never could be ten years ago.Vanessa’s hand still rests against my face, her thumb brushing over my jaw like she already knows I’m somewhere deep inside my own head.
I’m trying to untangle everything she just handed me.And the worst part is, none of it feels unfair.That’s what really settles like lead in my chest.Because it’s not anger.It’s recognition.
“I didn’t know how to separate it.”The confession leaves me rougher than intended.
Vanessa stays still beside me, knowing I’m going to say more.
“I thought protecting you meant,” I exhale slowly, staring toward the ceiling again.“I needed to know where you were every minute so I could anticipate anything that could potentially hurt you.”Emily.Then, now, always, Emily.
“I know why you did it Hayden.”
Her words are soft.And God, the way those words land, knowing she understands, and knowing it’s still what forced her away, somehow makes it harder to hide behind anything.
“I used to wake up in the middle of the night convinced something bad had happened to you.”
Her fingers against my skin falter as she inhales a sharp breath.
“I’d call you three times if you were twenty minutes late because my brain would always go somewhere catastrophic.”A humorless laugh slips out.“And the insane part is that I genuinely thought that was what love was supposed to be.”
Vanessa shifts closer then, the sheets sliding against her bare skin as she presses herself against me.
“It was love.”I turn my head to look at her as she speaks, the smile on her face sad as she continues.“It just wasn’t healthy.”
There it is.The truth in it simple and brutal.I nod once because I don’t think I’ve ever heard it phrased more accurately than that.
“I don’t know how much of that part of me can go away.”Honesty for honesty.Vanessa deserves at least that much now.“It’s woven into who I am.”My gaze drifts away before finding hers again.“The instinct to protect people I love is never going to disappear.”
“I’m not asking you to stop caring.”
“I know.”And I do know that now.“That’s the difference I didn’t understand before.”
Vanessa studies me quietly for a moment, her expression unreadable in the low light before she finally asks, “Do you understand it now?”
The question lands in a way that impacts me more than she probably realizes, because the answer isn’t simple.
“I understand what you’re asking.”I pause for just a second, “And whether I’m capable of doing it perfectly is probably another conversation, but I do want to try.”
One corner of her mouth lifts a fraction.“Perfect isn’t exactly your brand anyway.”
A quiet laugh escapes me.Christ, I missed this too.Not just the sex.Not just the wanting.Her and the way she balances me without even trying.
“I promise to try, Vanessa.”The words settle between us with a quiet certainty.“What I can’t promise is that I’ll suddenly become relaxed and emotionally well-adjusted overnight.”My fingers slide slowly along her hip beneath the sheets as I let out a small chuckle.“You know me better than that.”
“I do.”A small laugh echoing my own.
“But I hear you.”And for maybe the first time in my life, I actually mean that fully.
Vanessa’s gaze softens then in a way that nearly undoes me all over again.Because there’s still fear there, but I see hope there too.Which honestly might be even scarier.
“You really hurt me back then.”
The admission drops quietly which makes it hit that much harder.“I know.”And I do.Now more than ever.
She watches me carefully after that, like she’s measuring the truth of every word leaving my mouth.And honestly, maybe she should.
“You’re still intense.”A smile tilting her beautiful mouth.
I snort out a soft huff.“That’s probably permanent.”
