* * *
The house is quiet.Brynn and I got Lennon to bed, I took a long bath, and now I’m lying in bed in my pajamas and my hair in a towel, doomscrolling. I’ve only seen Beckett one time since dinner, and it was when he came to say goodnight to Lennon and read to her. There’s a soft knock on my door, and I’m tempted to ignore him.
“Yeah?” I call out. My voice sounds exhausted, and I am. Not just physically, either, but emotionally. I thought things were taking a small turn, but I guess I was looking too far into it.
Beckett comes in and closes the door quietly behind him. I lock my phone and plug it in, lay it on the nightstand, and look at him. He points to the corner of the bed. “Is it okay if I sit?”
“Technically, it’s your furniture, so you can do what you want,” I deadpan. I don’t mean to come across so snarky, but it is what it is at this point. He sighs and lowers himself down, leaning his back against the tall bedpost at the foot of the bed.
“Don’t be like that, CJ,” he tells me softly. “This is your home now, too.”
“For now,” I state. That’s the truth, too. I forgot to mentally separate the fact that this wasn’t permanent. I need to find a place to go, but I’ve been so wrapped up in playing house that it slipped my mind.
I didn’t realize I was playing house with a married man.
BECKETT
“You not knowing wasn’t intentional,” I start.
Clover crosses her arms over her chest, and I realize I’m starting this the wrong way. I don’t want to shut her out. “That’s not any better, Beckett.”
“I know,” I admit. “She left. She disappeared in the middle of the night to follow a guy who played shows at the bar where she worked. His band got some kind of deal or some shit, and Hannah decided that was the life she wanted. Honestly, I’m surprised she stuck around as long as she did after Lennon was born. I’ve never told Lennon, but Hannah never wanted to be a mom. It takes two, though, so she thought she would try it out. It’s okay that it wasn’t for her.”
Clover raises her brow at those words. “How is it okay?” She asks, her eyes watery. “How could you say it’s okay for someone to leave her?”
Oh. She’s mad, but it’s not completely at me. This isn’t the first time she’s kind of alluded to something along these lines, but I don’t want to pry.
“Lennon is one of the brightest souls I’ve met,” she accuses quietly. “Why would you say it’s okay for her to go? She needs a mommy, Beckett.”
I bristle at that. “I think I’ve done a pretty fuckin’ good job raising her without one, Clover Jane.”
She softens. “I’m sorry, you’re right. You have. She’s smart, she’s loved, she’s healthy, she’s got a huge personality. You’ve done great. I just . . . I can’t wrap my mind around leaving my baby. I guess the difference is how badly I wanted one versus someone who knows that’s not the life they want.”
Fuck. Clover always wanted a big family, and I suddenly understand her anger. Someone had what she’s wanted her whole life, choosing to leave.
I kick my shoes off and move up to be beside her when I see her bottom lip start to tremble, wrap my arm around her shoulders, and pull her to me. Just like every time. Just like it’s supposed to be.
“The only reason I say it’s okay is that I’d rather her not have a mom than have a mom that’s absent or unloving. Hannah wasn’t a loving person, CJ. She screamed all the time. She would let Lennon cry for hours, until someone called me to come home because they would hear her through the apartment walls. One of those nights, I came home, and Hannah was gone. She fucking left Lennon in her crib, crying for her. I’m so grateful the neighbor called me, because I was working a double that night. Who knows what I would’ve found when I got home?”
Tears are falling from my eyes at this point, too. I’ve been so angry for so many years. I’ve pressed it down, though, for Lennon. I don’t want her to ever know the full extent of what Hannah did. Not because I want to give her any kind of grace, but because I never want my daughter to feel like she wasn’t chosen. She will always be my number one.
“She was gone. There was nothing I needed closure on. I just needed to get my kid and start making good choices.”
“There was a marriage to get closure on,” Clover whispers against my chest. God, she’s so small curled up to me. I run my hand gently through her curls.
“I know. I didn’t want to drag it back up. I didn’t want to have to involve her in Lennon’s life. She chose to leave; she had no right to be in it.”
“You dragged it back up by not finishing it,” she points out.
“I know, CJ. I didn’t think it mattered.”
She tilts her head up to look at me, and the pain in her eyes all but crushes me. “You should’ve told me. That’s the worst part. Don’t shut me out, Beckett.”
“I’m so sorry, Lucky girl. I know words aren’t much in this situation, but I’m going to figure it out. I swear I will.”
I kiss her head gently and let her fall asleep on my chest, only moving when my alarm clock goes off in the next room.
* * *
