“Of course.” He shifts his body, turning to face me. My brow wrinkles, and I look up at him. “Haven’t you always wondered?” he says.
“Wondered what?”
Ian takes a half step closer. His body is near enough to mine that I can feel his warmth, smell his aftershave or deodorant or—whatever it is that gives men their smell.
“Us.” His voice comes out deep, giving that one-syllable word far more meaning than it might otherwise have.
“Us?” The numbness is suddenly gone. Shock roils through me, leaving me at a loss for words, forthoughts.
“You.” He presses a finger gently into the space just beneath my collarbone, and his touch on my bare skin feels hot. Wait, what is happening? Ian’s close, he’s talking in a husky tone, he’s touching me, he’s—Oh.
“And me.” He removes that finger, jabs backward at himself with his thumb. Clearly indicating his meaning. “Us.”
My mouth falls open, and I findsomewords, though I’m not sure they’re quite intelligible. “I—I did at first. When we met. But then—Brian, and then I—you—”
A smile floats across his lips. “We’re perfect for each other. We’re the same. We understand one another like no one else can.”
His words penetrate my boozy brain. Suddenly, it seems soobvious. How many times did I wish I could tell Brian the truth? How often had I stared at him as he fell asleep, words on my tongue I could never utter aloud? Ian and I are not identical in our psychopathy, but we both know what it’s like. We grasp how to deal with it. We understand that for all we’re badasses now, we didn’t feel that way growing up when we were different from everyone else. People don’t understand us. Peoplefearus. But if we were together, then life might be easy. Or easier, at least.
In a flash, I picture us in a house together. I ignore the fact that he’s married, thatI’mmarried, and let myself imagine a world in which I’m coming home from finishing a job and he’s got the kids tucked into bed. Kids who I know are safe, becauseheis there. Ian greets me with wine and a kiss, aHow’d it go?, and for the first time in my life, I can tell the truth. I could say something like, “Well, I had to shoot her a second time!” or “Flawless. No one will know it wasn’t an accident.” And he’d get that gleam in his eye, the same one I have, and say something like, “I knew you could do it,” or “I’m proud of you.”
“Holy shit.” It’s all I can manage. Because in a way, it sounds like heaven. It sounds like the relationship I’ve always wished I had with Brian, the exact opposite of how we actually function.
And then Ian’s arms wrap around me, his lips press to mine, and we’re in the sand, tearing each other’s clothes off.
Chapter Forty
For ten years, I’ve beenwith exactly one person.
Sure, I had opportunity to cheat—most people do—but I married Brian knowing what I was signing up for, and I felt it only right to stay true to that. Besides, Ilikedhim.Like, present tense. Or…maybe not, not anymore.
I’m lying to myself, but that’s fine. If he’s cheating on me, then why wouldn’t I cheat on him? An eye for an eye and all. Why wouldn’t I indulge in a distraction, especially if that distraction is Ian?
His hand grips my hip, holds me in place beneath him as sand scrapes against my skin. Ian is bigger than Brian, heavier, a tantalizing combination of muscles and excitement, of the familiar yet unfamiliar. His mouth pauses over mine, then he kisses me softly, slowly, teasing…
When I open my eyes, he’s got a wicked grin, a gleam in his eye. Like maybe he’s thought about this before. It’s possible he’s wanted me for a long time. Wondered what it might be like to be together. With Ian, I might learn to control myself.Her.Maybe it will be even easier, or he’ll show me how to become one with her, or whatever it was he did.
This could work.
“I’ll stay,” he breathes into my ear. “As long as you want.”
My hand digs into his flesh until he growls out a groan of pain—or is it pleasure? Is there a word that combines the two? Because there should be.
He pulls back, I look into his eyes, and they are molten, that unique amber color, bottomless depths of some emotion that feels at odds with the coldness of the killer I know, and it’s like dousing myself in freezing water.
A thousand shards of ice.
It singes down into my heart, every bit of my being.
They are not Brian’s warm, guileless eyes, and that’s shocking to some piece of me I would have never guessed existed. Ian, handsome as he is, caring as he might be, and perhaps the puzzle piece I want and need, is not the man I’ve spent the last decade building my life with. He is not my daughters’ father, he is not who I chose our house with or adopted Bear beside or…
“Fuck.” I shove him off.
He lands in the sand and sputters a laugh. “Yes, that is what we are trying to do here.”
“No. I mean—I can’t do this. At least—not like this. Not here, not until I…” I lick my lips, look out over the water. The light from a passing ship has disappeared.
I’ve woken up and chosen Brian every single day for the last ten years. I can’t choose someone else—not yet. So for one more day, I’m choosing Brian.
