My phone rang for a fourth time, and this time I picked it up. I needed to calm myself down and make sure Pullman wasn’t suspicious.
My body was completely rigid as I answered the phone and tried to put on the best performance I could.
“Hey.” I kept my voice soft, contained.
“Rose, where are you?” He sounded relieved to finally reach me. “What happened? Why did you leave?”
He could be a murderer. He could have killed AlexandHazel. And now he could be pretending to investigate the very murders he committed. I swallowed my disgust.
“I’m sorry. This is so embarrassing,” I lied, trying to sound more humble than I ever had before. “But I had to go. I got my period, and I bled through everything.”
“Oh, yikes.” Pullman’s tone changed immediately, accepting the lie. Men were so fucking weird about periods. But I still needed to sell it.
“Yeah, it was like the elevator scene fromThe Shining. It was getting worse by the minute. I needed to get out of there and change. Sorry I stuck you with the bill—I can Venmo you.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Pullman said. “I’m just glad nothing happened to you.”
I felt a lot better about my chances of nothing happening to me now that I was nowhere near him. “Yeah. Thanks for checking.” The words tasted bitter.
“Of course,” Pullman said. “Listen, the community search for your sister is tomorrow. At the park. We’re going to check out the county land and the nature preserves. Your family’s going. Can we talk then?”
The reality of the search was that it was a search for Hazel’s body, and that tore me up inside. But it was also an opportunity, a very public place where I could confront Pullman. Lots of people and cops and witnesses who couldn’t brush it under the rug if something happened.
“Absolutely,” I lied, hiding the venom in my voice.
27
I awoke to voices talking loudly in the kitchen, with the sounds of cabinets opening and utensils clattering filling the in-between. Hearing my family together like this was unsettling and gave me déjà vu. My room was still dark. I reached for my phone and saw the screen light up with the usual series of notifications, the time reading 5:52 a.m.
The search. It started at eight, but I imagined there was probably a lot to do beforehand. It made me feel hollow. I had slept like shit, tossing and turning with nightmares where Pullman was chasing me. I didn’t think I needed anyone to interpret that dream.
I started to get ready for the day. Eventually, I was going to have to tell my family about my book and what Hazel had been doing in the weeks before she went missing. Especially if we didn’t find her later. The thought tightened the knots in my stomach. I still had three chapters left of Hazel’s annotations to read, and I was avoiding them. I didn’t want the book to end. It was the last connection I had to her. But then again, I figured after today, when I publicly confronted Pullman, they’d all find out anyway.
When I entered the kitchen, almost everyone was already there, apart from Steve and my mother’s other kids. My parents were standing at opposite ends of the island, not looking at each other as Tommy talked deliberately with my father. I hadn’t spoken to Tommy since yesterday, when he’d snapped at me about Will. I was still angry with him for it. My dad looked exhausted, and I couldn’t help but wonder what mystery piece of evidence Pullman and Newbury were keeping that had them looking at him as a suspect. It had to be more than just Hazel’s bike, right?
Maybe it was nothing. Maybe Pullman was bullshitting to cover himself.
Suzannah was whispering to my mother. My usually pristine sister-in-law had dark circles under her eyes, and her hair sat in a greasy ponytail. I felt bad for noticing. On top of the stress of this week, Suzannah had two kids. She had been jumping back and forth from helping us look for Hazel to being a mom to her own children. It had to be a lot. I realized I missed spending time with her. I looked at Daisy and Felix, both sitting on barstools, entertained by an open box of Dunkin Donuts.
“Auntie Rose!” Daisy squealed in delight, her face a spitting image of Hazel’s. “I saved your special donut for you!” She pointed enthusiastically at a pink one in the box. “Gramma Lyla told me not to touch it. She said it’s for you.”
Everyone in the room looked up, noticing me for the first time. My mother’s eyes lingered the longest, scanning me up and down. We were wearing nearly identical outfits. The same Lululemon leggings and tank tops, though she had thrown a tight long-sleeved workout jacket over her look. Her eyes kept moving to the pink donut. My favorite. The same one she had bought me every Saturday for years as a child. I knew it was a small, fried, sprinkled peace offering. An apology for yesterday. I decided to take it.
“Oh, did she, Daisy?” I asked, going over to plop a kiss on the top of my niece’s head. “That was nice of her.” My mother’s mouth twitched slightly, like she wanted to smile.
Daisy nodded enthusiastically, wrapping her arms around my waist. “I didn’t eat it, even though I like the pink ones.”
I reached into the box and broke the donut in half, handing part of it to her. “Here, we’ll split it. How about that?”
Daisy grabbed her half of the donut with one of her chubby hands, sticky with frosting. I took a bite of the donut. It tasted like processed sugar and nothing else, and the familiarity of it overwhelmed my senses so much that I left most of it for Daisy. My mother looked at us, her face unusually full of longing.
“Hey, Fee,” I said, kissing the top of Felix’s head as I passed. He was ripping a donut to shreds on the counter and didn’t look up from it. He was a quiet kid. Just like Tommy had been.
Suzannah walked over to me hesitantly. “Hey, Rose.” She lightly touched my shoulder. “Are you coming searching today?”
I nodded. I felt emotionally bereft. I didn’t know what to say to my family anymore.
“How’d you sleep?” Suzannah asked. “Your dad said you came home kind of late.”
