“I need a minute to myself, Tommy.”
I waited until the door to the bathroom was locked and the shower was turned on full blast, the water hot enough to scald, before I broke down. Standing naked in the steam, I held on to the tiled wall and cried. They were long, desperate sobs. The kind that made me sit down on the cold floor of the tub. I didn’t know how to reconcile any of this.
I tried to think about it objectively for a second. Could Will’s intense love of Alex be the same emotion that caused him to react violently to her betrayal? Could he have loved her so much that he killed her, believing that if he couldn’t be the one to have her, then no one could? It was always the boyfriend. A cornerstone of true crime. Could I believe that? I had never, even for a moment, considered the idea that Will was guilty. Why? Because I loved my brother? Because I trusted him?
No. It was all of those things, but it ran deeper than that. The niggling feeling that pulled on my stomach whenever I tried to picture Will with his hands around Alex’s throat. This was the one irrefutable thing I knew: If Willhadkilled her, I had been the one to set it in motion.
22
Then: June 2010
The guilt ate at me for days.
For nearly a week, I didn’t know what to do about Will and Alex. I had come home that night fully intending to tell him about what happened at the party, but then I’d look at him and know I couldn’t. It would devastate him. I sat in my bedroom wondering if lying by omission made me a coward. I couldn’t decide.
It was taking over all my thoughts. I only had a few weeks of school left, so everything was winding down in classes and thankfully I didn’t have to pay as much attention as I usually did. I was barely present during the day, answering teachers’ questions only with a mild “huh?” or “yeah?” When I got home, I sat in the dark ignoring texts and calls from Cassandra. I was avoiding Will too, afraid that if he looked at me a certain way he would be able to figure out what I was keeping from him. Every time he smiled at me or asked me to pass the bread, I thought I might explode.
The only time I felt anything other than guilt was when Alex would drop by. She had been popping in and out of the house more than usual, staying for dinner and movies on weeknights and sitting in the kitchen with my mom and Will chatting about their upcoming graduation. Every time she looked in my direction, I felt rage. I couldn’t remember feeling so angry before that. She was doing this on purpose. She knew I hadn’t said anything to my brother yet, and she was reminding me of why I couldn’t. Every time Will stared at her withadoration or held her hand, she’d cast me a smug look that seemed to say,Go ahead. Tell him. Destroy him.
Unfortunately, she was right, so I kept my mouth shut.
By the time their graduation came around, I was a ball of anxiety, jumping when people closed doors too quickly. It was on a Friday, and both Tommy and I, as well as Cass and Victoria, were skipping school to attend the ceremony. I didn’t know how I would get through it.
At the fairgrounds, waiting for the ceremony to begin, I was forced to listen to Mom and Dad make small chat with Mr. and Mrs. Hopely, while Sam stood beside them, pretending to be an adult too. Victoria ignored everyone, mostly texting on her phone and only occasionally saying hi to people she knew. Tommy was off to the side holding Hazel’s tiny hand and walking around with her, so she’d be tired enough to sit through the ceremony quietly.
“I’m thinking you should sleep over tonight,” Cassandra whispered as we took our seats in the crowded auditorium. She had been pestering me about a sleepover for days, but I had been avoiding the conversation so that I didn’t have to go over there and see Alex.
“I don’t think I can. My family might be celebrating,” I said, making up an excuse.
Cassandra rolled her eyes. “Come on, you know Alex and Will are going to be off doing whatever it is they do. We haven’t hung out in days.”
Between that and her recent barrage of texts, she didn’t seem to want to let it go, so I relented. “Okay, fine.” If Will was going to be with Alex anyway, it didn’t matter whether I sulked in my room or Cassandra’s.
I was quiet during the ceremony except for the part when Will’s name was called, then I screamed alongside everyone else in our row. I kept quiet whenAlexandria Sarah Hopelyreceived her diploma. She was lucky I didn’t boo.
After the ceremony, Will gave Alex the Tiffany necklace in the parking lot. Everyone watched in delight as she teared up and thanked him. He placed the silver chain around her neck and kissed her tenderly on the forehead. She pressed her hand over it and told him how much she loved it and him. I could barely stand it.
The four parents had decided we would all go to a late lunch together afterward, and so at Alex’s insistence, we ended up at Longhorn Steakhouse, a place I had been to exactly twice, and both times with the Hopelys. I didn’t want to eat. I felt too sick.
“What is going on with you?” Tommy asked, Hazel on his hip while we waited at the entrance for the Hopelys’ car to arrive. Will and our parents had gone into the restaurant to put our names down.
“Nothing,” I said, too quickly. Hazel was yanking on his tie, playing with it like a rope. Tommy frowned at me. “Seriously, Rosie. What is it? You’ve been in a mood for days, and you haven’t spoken all morning. It’s Will’s graduation day and you’re being kind of—”
“What?”
“I don’t know,” Tommy said, holding one hand up defensively. “Snippy, I guess.”
That was all it took for the tears to start rolling down my cheeks. My chest shook as I cried.
“Rose?” Tommy asked. “What’s wrong?”
I wiped at my eyes with the backs of my arms, not caring if I smudged the eyeliner and mascara I had carefully put on that morning. I told Tommy everything. What I had seen in the woods, and Alex’s threats afterward. Tommy stood very still, listening intently, looking stunned.
“What abitch,” he swore, and I nodded miserably. It felt so much better to tell another person, like I was releasing some of the poison out of my body. I was relieved not to be living with this secret all by myself.
“You have to tell him,” Tommy said finally. He bounced Hazel, who had started to whine.
I stared at him. “I can’t.”
