“But no drawers?” said Poppy.
“Pity that,” said Ainsley.
“Time for the bum roll,” said Poppy cheerfully, securing what looked like an airplane neck pillow around Sylvie’s waist.
“The first Queen Elizabeth listedgirdlesin her household accounts,” said Ainsley, pulling skirting made of white nets over Sylvie’s head. “And by the way, we call silk stockings ‘silkies.’ ”
“Ooooh, now the golden corset,” said Poppy.
“Is that what you call marriage here?” said Cleo, snickering.
“Please don’t laugh at me,” said Sylvie.
“Sensitive Sylvie,” said Donna.
“I’m sorry,” said Cleo. “That was a dumb joke. I apologize.”
“Thanks, Cleo.”
Poppy and Ainsley yanked Sylvie’s bodice tight, making her struggle for breath. They draped strands of heavy jewels around her neck. A deep green “kirtle” dress followed, and then both of Sylvie’s arms were encased in detachable gold sleeves, which ran from her wrists to her elbows. A giant bejeweled headband was attached to her hair, then the hair was gathered and shoved into a black velvet bag. Poppy hung some gold necklaces around Sylvie’s waist like belts and said “Voilà!”
“Why are you dressing her as a bride who’ll be beheaded by her future husband?” said Cleo, an arm crossed in front of her chest.
“You look stunning,” said Emma kindly.
“When will it be my turn?” said Donna.
8
Cleo
The “Dress as a Tudor Experience” was supposed to be fun but it was not fun. Cleo felt sick about Danny finding her birth control pills. As Ainsley explained that Cleo’s enormous hoop skirt was called a “farthingale,” and that the headdress she attached around Cleo’s face was the “Spanish style,” Cleo tried to pay attention.
“We’re re-creating Catherine of Aragon’s outfit from Emperor Charles V’s visit in 1520,” explained Poppy. “Silver lamé petticoat, golden gown lined with violet velvet, pearl necklace with a cross made of diamonds.”
“And her hair was red, like yours,” said Louisa.
The ladies-in-waiting had wheeled in a full-length mirror. Cleo marveled at her image. She looked iconic, powerful, and brave. “Catherine was beautiful in her youth,” noted Ainsley, setting out ugly little Tudor flats for Cleo to slip her feet into.
“But then she was stripped of her title of queen,” said Louisa.
“And also beheaded,” noted Poppy.
9
Emma
-$50,391.67
The men had clearly been enjoying free mead. By the time they swept into the Great Hall, wearing enormous velvet-and-fur coats, scabbards holding swords, and the same ugly shoes as the women, the men’s voices were loud and festive. Emma had been trussed up and positioned behind a harp for some reason. Rich and the boys had donned floppy, bejeweled hats. A fire roared in the giant fireplace and Emma felt a bit overheated and dizzy.
The photographer arranged the extended Peacock family, settling Donna in a throne-like chair and Sylvie and Simon on either side of her. The rest of them crowded around.
“And here come the owls,” said Simon’s friend Angus, opening the door and entering with birds of prey.
“Just let them loose; they can fly in and out of the portrait,” said the photographer. One of the owls flew directly at Emma and she screamed.
“Always with the drama,” muttered Donna.
