“I don’t want to talk about it—”
“Don’t give us hope,” he blurted. “Any other lie can be forgiven, but don’t give us hope if you won’t—if you can’t—” I thought I felt his hand tremble just the slightest bit where he held me. “It will break us.”
He was begging me. Keir of the Wild Valley was beggingme.
Guilt was a blade through my innards.
I slipped my wrist out of his grip. “Enjoy your party,” I mumbled. The cabin door shut behind me with a dull thud.
It will break us.
A plea, not for himself, but for his people.
But as he’d established on the journey here, when I hadn’t hesitated to beghimfor answers, I was already broken. I had been broken that first year in Khada Palace. Maybe if I were stronger, like Velka or Sillia, I wouldn’t have been. But I wasn’t. I was the kind of girl who stole water rations from another. The kind who lied to a goddess’s face. And now I was beyond helping anyone.
THIRTY-FIVEAMUNET
I huddled underneath the single candle, my frame racked with shivers as I tried to focus on prayer. Every time I shut my eyes, all I saw was darkness. Suffocating, horrible darkness. At least with my eyes open, there was the slight flicker of the candle. But then I was all too aware of the complete lack of air in here.
Baba, please help me, I implored.I tried to fix whatever I did to wrong you. I tried to get to your temple. I failed. I’m sorry. Really, really sorry. Butpleasedon’t make me stay here.
Do you know what the definition of insanity is?King Zaid asked.
My breath stuttered on a whimper. My nails reopened the scabs on the back of my neck.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
There were no mirrors in here, but I could feel the bags under my eyes, the crustiness on my lashes, the dry skin peeling on my lips. Meals were brought, but I had no appetite. In fact, I felt ill. Bile was a consistent burn in the back of my throat, and a corner of the room reeked where I’d vomited a few hours ago.
I bent my whole self into my prayers, the only option left to me. All my attention was focused on them so that I wouldn’t miss the brush of my father’s breath when it finally came. So I wouldn’t have to think about Jasim or the horrible emptiness in my chest.
But it was no use. There wasn’t even the weakest stirring from Shaya.
It’s a fitting punishment, King Zaid pointed out.For all the pain you’ve caused others. That maid you sent to the Kaldfolk, Jasim, Nasir.
I winced at the mention of Jasim. “I didn’t do anything to Nasir.”
Of course you did. He’s a prisoner now, just like you. All because he wanted to get his people back home. He tsked.
I squeezed my eyes shut, the pain of Shaya’s absence ripping through my abdomen.
Darkness. Suffocating darkness. So much worse with my eyes closed.Can’t breathe, can’t see, can’t—
My eyes popped back open and searched for the light of the candle. Some of its wax dripped off the sconce and landed on my shoulder. I hissed at the burn but let the pain center me.
You are all I have, Shaya. You are my entire family. I know you remember how it felt to be abandoned. How it broke your heart when Ketet locked you away. I will never leave you, Shaya. So please, please don’t leave me.
I hated to remind him of that time. Ketet and Shaya had been family before she decided to create a new one without him and sought to humiliate and denigrate him at every turn, resulting in the War of the Ancients. A war that was so violent, so hate-filled, it spilled from the After Realm into this one and necessitated Cilene, Goddess of War, sending a son as Gods-Chosen to save us mortals. And then Ketet—the woman Shaya had loved, his wife, the mother of his child—locked him away for eternity.
That was the story of the family that created our world, tragic, heartbreaking. It hurt my father. But if I couldn’t reach him through my love, maybe I could reach him through his rage.
I prayed reminders of Ketet’s betrayal toward him and received not even a whisper in return. King Zaid snickered.
The hours—days?—since I’d been locked away dragged by at a snail’s pace, and my mind flipped between terror and despair.
Not for the first time, I wondered why I should be bothered with saving any of these people. Why, when they were so spiteful to me, when they made their hatred so obvious, was I meant to do anything to help them?
The candle went out with a hiss as loud as a death knell.
