“Hence,” he says, “the sleeping.” He gives a sleepy grin. “Sometime around two in the morning.”
It’s the sort of easy banter we had before everything went sideways between us, surprisingly effortless after all that’s happened.
“Danica wanted to end the trek early,” he mumbles, eyes back to half closed. “Today.”
“What do you meantoday?” I ask. “We’re not climbing the mountain?” After it sinks in for a beat, I also add, “Why?”
“No, we’re still going up, I talked her out of that.” His eyes flutter open again as he runs a hand over his jaw; his stubble has turned darker and thicker over the last day. “Everything’s a disaster—Matty, Joshua, everything. But we’re so close to the end, and she agreed you all deserve the chance to finish strong. The only thing I could think about, the entire way back, was how much I wanted you to experience the view from the top—and how much I owe you an apology.”
He looks like a wreck.
He pushed himself harder than he probably should have, just so he’d get a chance to talk to me as soon as he possibly could.
I can hardly handle it, so I try to make a joke instead. “You’re welcome for the distraction,” I say, emphasis on thedistractionpart, just to call back to the reason he pushed me away. “I’m glad it was the good sort this time!”
He doesn’t laugh, though—and on second thought, I realize it wasn’t very funny at all.
“Sadie,” he says earnestly, propping himself up on his elbow, “meeting you has tipped my world on its side. I can’t get you out of my head—even when we weren’t talking, and even when I was alone in the woods, you were right there with me. I don’t think there are any circumstances in which youwon’tbe in my head, ever.”
He’s fully awake now, fully aware.
“What I realized last night is that Ilikeit that way. I’m so, so sorry I told you it would be most helpful for you to go away. I’ve never been in this situation, and I see now that I handled it in the worst way possible. I said what I did because I liked you so much I couldn’t see straight, or think straight—not because I didn’t want you around. I wanted youtoomuch, Sadie. And I guess I just worried that it would be all too easy for me to lose myself in you, and that scared the hell out of me, because it’s myjobto care about other people out here. All I wanted was to just be selfish for once, to spend time with you, but I didn’t know how to do thatandstay focused enough to do right by the group. It’s a me problem, and very much not anything wrong with you.” His brows pinch together. “I’m so, so sorry if I hurt you in the process. I can tell I hurt you, right?”
I consider it, everything he’s telling me.
I know it’s all true because it’s completely in line with what I already suspected—it makes so much sense. I think I just needed to hear him say it.
“It did hurt,” I say. “It hurt to know you were pushing me away just because you thought you had to—especially because I could tell, underneath, that was the last thing you actually wanted.”
“You’re right,” he says. “I didn’t want that at all. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a really long time, Sadie.”
“You too,” I tell him, and it’s the honest truth. “You’ve made it so easy to just be myself out here. Everyone I’ve ever dated has made me feel like I need to tone things down somehow, or pretend to be chill or flexible or whatever else, even when I’m not—but with you, I can just bereal. I can show you all the ways I feel anxious or afraid or particular, and instead of making me feel like those are flaws that need fixing, you make me feel stronger and more capable.”
I hadn’t realized until now just howsafeThorn makes me feel—and not only the being-in-the-wilderness-together aspect of things. He makes me feel comfortable in my own skin, exactly as it is, whenever I’m with him.
“So, yeah.” I swallow. “I’velovedgetting to know you out here—but I do understand why you were trying to push me away. Our lives are so different. When this trek is over, I just…I can’t…”
My thoughts flutter around in my head, butterflies on a breeze, impossible to pin down.
“When this trek is over,” I start again, “I’ll go home, but you’ll still be here. Doing your job. So even though it hurt when you pushed me away, I understood. You have to be in hiking-guide mode out here, and not just because someone’s paying you to do it—it’s more than that, isn’t it? You care about every single person. You’re committed to keeping everyone safe. You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met, Thorn…you’re just an incrediblygoodguy.”
My gaze flicks down to his lips, and that stubble I wish I could feel, rough against my skin.
“I wish there was some way for our worlds to be more compatible,” I say sadly. “Because you make mine infinitely better.”
He’s quiet, taking in everything I’ve said.
“I feel the same way,” he finally replies. “About all of it.”
Birdsong fills the early morning silence, a pair of chickadees calling out for each other from somewhere in the woods.
“At least we have today together,” I say. “Want to go climb a mountain?”
Thorn smiles, the biggest one I’ve seen from him in days. “Absolutely, yes.”
Not everyonewantsto finish strong.
Zoe’s still exhausted after yesterday and has been extra quiet ever since Thorn told us Joshua wouldn’t be joining us again. As for Emma, she has no desire to experience another heights-induced panic attack, this time on top of a mountain—rappelling was more than enough for her.
