Zoe scoffs. “People can find flaws inanything. That doesn’t mean there isn’t good there, too.”
It’s a surprisingly insightful thing to hear from Zoe, of all people. She’s got a wistful look in her eye that makes me think we’re not just talking about my issues now—that maybe she’s been thinking about this for a while.
“I hope Joshua’s okay,” she goes on, in a small voice. “I still don’t regret breaking up with him, and there’s alotabout him—about how he was with me—that makes me want to scream. We’re so wrong for each other, and I think I knew it a long time ago…but…yeah. This trip just made that crystal clear in so many ways.”
I hug my knees to my chest, give Zoe the space she needs to work through things.
“He’s out there because of me, though,” she continues. “He’s angry—and I get it—but I should have known he’d do something rash when he found out about the ring. And, um. What I did with Matteo.” She tilts her head down to the arm she’s using as a pillow and wipes her eyes. “He does stupid things when he’s angry. I don’t want—I don’t want him to— What if—”
She takes a deep breath and tries again. “What if he gets hurt or something and it’s all my fault?”
“I think Matteo would have told Thorn if something had happened to Joshua,” I say. “Try not to worry about that, okay?”
Even as I say it, her fears blend with mine: my mind drifts, again, to the many terrible things that could have happened to Thorn.
I try to redirect my thoughts, focus on Zoe instead.
“Is that why you haven’t been eating?” I ask. “You’re worried sick?”
She bites her lip, lowers her eyelashes.
“I feel like that’s the answer Ishouldgive?” she says hesitantly.
“But?” I ask.
“But it’s more selfish than that. I’m worried sick aboutme.” There’s an intensity in her eyes that I haven’t seen for days. “We were together for years, then engaged, then drowning in wedding plans. I wasn’t satisfied, or happy, but I guess it felt easier to stick with what I knew after sinking so much time and money into everything.”
Her tears are falling fast now, streaking down her cheeks.
“I just couldn’t take it anymore, you know?” she goes on. “It terrified me to think of spending the rest of my life with someone who didn’t really love the real me—someone who tried tochangeme into someone he thought I should be, over and over.”
For the first time, it hits me howgratefulI should be to Caden: that he broke up with me when he did instead of trying to change me into someone else altogether.
If Caden had come on this trip, I might be trying to changemyself.
Instead, our breakup became the freedom I needed to find out who I am at my core, when all of my comforts are stripped away, and to discover parts of myself I never knew existed. Even if I don’t agree with why he did it—and even if he is a total hypocrite for gettingengagedto someone even more high-maintenance than I am—there’s integrity in being honest, with himself and with me, about how wrong we were for each other.
“It’s terrifying to have no clue what comes next,” Zoe says, pulling me back to this moment. “For better or worse, my life has been tangled with Joshua’s for a really long time. I have no idea what mine looks like on its own.”
As someone who loves to be prepared for everything, it’s overwhelming to think about facing a completely blank page. How do you prepare foranythingwhen you have absolutely no clue what comes next?
A mix of instinct and confidence, I guess—and the willingness to embrace whatever the future holds with an open mind. Choosing to believe it will begood.
“You don’t have to have it all figured out,” I tell Zoe now. “Just take the next step, and then another one after that. You’re going to be okay.”
A breeze meanders through the gap between our tents, carries my words back around to me:You’re going to be okay.
Logically, I know it’s true, for myself as much as for Zoe.
Still, I feel an undercurrent of fear.
What if all I ever have with Thorn, after this, is the memory of how brightly we burned in each other’s lives for only a short time? Like shooting stars, there and then gone, the briefest flash of beauty.
Clarity—knowing exactly who you are, exactly what you want—is such a great thing until it’s not.
Sometimes you simply can’thavewhat you want.
36THORN
