“I— Wow,” I say. “Okay.” Out of nowhere, a pair of hot tears streak down my cheeks. I’m thankful for the darkness. “I thought maybe it would help for you to talk through your feelings, Thorn, but I can stopdistractingyou now, if that’s really what you want.”
I’m already scrambling down from the boulder, too embarrassed to stay. He’s been avoiding me all day—why couldn’t I just take the hint?
“Sadie…please don’t take it like that.”
His voice is earnest, already full of regret.
“How am I supposed to take it?” My voice cracks, the traitor. “I just offered to help, and you told me it would be most helpful for me to go away.”
I’ve listened to him.
Cried in front of him.
Laughed with him, so many times.
Escaped a lizard attack while half naked with him.
Woken up tangled with him.
Shivered under the stars with him.
Kissed him during a thunderstorm, and behind a waterfall, and inside my tent.
He’s seen me at my most vulnerable—I’ve shown him parts of myself I’ve never even shown Abby, even though I’ve only known him for such a short time.
But it’s too much of a distraction, apparently.I’mtoo much.
My whole life, I’ve always been too much for most people—
I really thought it might be different with Thorn.
31THORN
Well, that was the cherry on top of the shit sundae the last couple of days has been. And unlike so much of the rest that’s gone wrong, this particular mess is entirely my fault.
Sadie has been the best part of this trek byfar—I never meant to hurt her.
If I could, I’d spend the rest of our time together out here with just her: exploring the wilderness by day, exploring each other by night. And I don’t just mean physically, though of course there’s that—I want to know everything about her, what she loves and what she wants, what scars she’s endured and overcome, what made her cry that day on the cliff, what compelled her to leave so many of her comfort items behind out of nowhere.
All of this is why I had to say what I did.
All of it.
I don’t know how to do my jobandspend time with Sadie, it’s as plain as that. Being with her is disarming—not in the bad way she assumes, but because she makes me feel like a different person altogether. A person who was put on this planet formorethan the job that requiresso much focus; a person who was put on this planet toactually live, not just help others along on their own journeys.
If I think about that too much, it makes me not want to do my job at all. Which is obviously not an option right now, seeing as seven people—Sadie included—are dependent on me to get them through the rest of the trip.
The way I see it, my job isn’t just to know how tofixproblems—it’s to keep them from happening in the first place.
I didn’t see the warning signs with Dad until it was too late: his labored breathing the last time we came out here, how we had to cut our trip short and head out from Wild Gate, straight to the ER.
I didn’t see the warning signs with my parents, either, in the months leading up to their divorce. The signs were there—but I assumed they’d fade in time.
I didn’t seeanythingcoming when it came to Blair, or Matteo, or Peru.
Maybe Matteo was right, back at the cliff—maybe, if I’d just paid better attention, I could have saved myself a lot of pain.
Well, I’m paying attention now.
