He closed his eyes again.
“I was a kid,” he said. “I was nineteen, and Mikey was gone, and it was all my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault. No more than Mikey’s. It could’ve been either of you that day.”
“But it wasn’t either of us,” he said. “It was me, and everybody knew it, and I couldn’t live with the shame. I wanted to come back for you, I swear. But I was a kid, and I ran. It was the wrong thing to do, and I’m sorry. I really, truly am.”
I nodded and kissed him. There was salt on his lips, and I did not know whether the tears I tasted were his or mine. I kissed them away all the same. It was a simple answer. A stupid one, really. But it was enough for me. He was sorry, and he was everything I’d ever wanted—and he was here now.
“So you’ll come?” I said. “I can’t face my mom alone. Not after that. I’ve never done something like that before.”
“Katie, listen, all right? I don’t think this is how I should show back up in your family’s life. And your mom... she’s not going to want me there.”
“That’s not true. You’re different now. You’re better. The whole event is about recovery and second chances. Half the people there are in A.A. or whatever. Politicians. Celebrities. And I know it seems big because you haven’t seen her in so long, but I promise you, she doesn’t give a shit about you or me or anyone else. It’s still all about Mikey.”
He shook his head. “I think we should wait. I don’t want to fuck this up. I know we haven’t talked about what’s going to happen when we get back to New York, but I don’t want to lose you. We need a plan. We need to think.”
“Please,” I said, pressing my hands on his chest. “I’ve never asked you for anything. This is one of the worst nights of the year for me, and I want you there. You make everything better. You make the hard stuff fun. We can get dressed up and eat weird appetizers, and maybe we can even get a hotel, and...”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I just...”
“On Mikey’s birthday,” I said, dropping my hands to his, “when you took me home... That was the first time since he died that I thought about him and didn’t feel completely, horribly alone.”
He closed his eyes. And then he unclenched his shoulders and kissed me again.
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll be there.”
69
Tyler
“Tyler? You all right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m just... I’m just on my way to a meeting. I wanted to check in. How are you? How’s California? How’s everything?”
“You don’t sound all right, kid. What’s going on out there? What’s the matter?”
I grimaced, locking my bike to the railing of the clubhouse. That same semi-disgraced movie producer walked by. I gave him a quick wave, and he gave me one back.
“Katie and her mom got in a fight,” I said, taking a few steps from the meeting. I still had a couple of minutes. “A big one. It was about Mikey. Katie told her mom off, basically, and then she fell apart for an hour, and I did everything right. I held her, and I let her talk, and I listened. And then she asked me why I left, and I froze. I ended up giving her a stock answer and agreeing to go with her to her mom’s thing for Mikey on Saturday. She’s home, napping, and...”
Arthur was quiet for a moment.
“I think you gotta tell her,” he said. “This isn’t just sex you’re having. This is a relationship you’re in, a real one. It’s not going to go anywhere if you can’t be honest. In a couple of weeks, this project is going to be over. You’ll be back at the school, Katie will pick up another contract... This thing you’ve got—you’re going to haveto test it out in the real world. And you can’t do that without telling her the truth. You’ve known this was coming. That, eventually, you’d have to find a way through. You can’t put this off forever. Not anymore—not after she asked you for answers.”
I tightened my fist. “I know. But things between her and her mom are even worse than I realized. If I tell Katie what really happened, why I really left... What if I lose her? And what if I don’t? I already took Mikey away from Carolyn. I can’t do it again. I can’t take a second child from her, I—”
“You,” Arthur said, “did not take Mikey away from her. That is not what happened. You are not responsible for that. He had every opportunity to get clean.”
“I know. And I believe you, really. But it doesn’t change the fact that if there were no me, he’d still be here, and then Katie’s parents would be all right, and then Katie would be all right.”
“She’s a grown woman, Tyler. She’s an adult, and she is your colleague, and she is sleeping in your bed, and she has given you a second chance to show her what kind of man you are. She deserves the truth. She can make her own decisions about what to do with that information.”
I closed my eyes. “I’ll try.”
“Don’t try,” he said. “Do. Tell her the truth, and then suit up and show up. Let her decide whether you belong at that ball.”
“It’s not a ball. It’s a gala.”
