My mother stood beside me with her arms crossed and her frown severe. Tyler turned to her. The bouquet in his grip—pink roses with petals dipped in glitter—was suddenly upside down, and little drops of water fell onto the dance floor.
“Carolyn,” he said. “I am so, so sorry. I can’t even put into words how sorry I am. You and Paul were wonderful to me, and—”
“I asked you,” she said, “to leave.”
Tyler glanced around. There was nobody here save for the staff. No press, no patrons. He pushed down his shoulders and began to speak again. This time, with a long and careful exhale that softened him into my favorite version of him. The one, in my dreams, he’d never lost sight of. My heart was still racing.
“What happened when we were in high school,” he said. “I am so sorry for my part in that. I am so sorry you lost your son. But I love your daughter. I’ve loved her my whole life, and I am not who I was, and... I am so sorry, Carolyn. Paul. I am so sorry, but I couldn’t have saved him. He didn’t want to be saved. And I don’t know what to say to make that go away. I don’t know what to do to turn back time.
“You don’t have to forgive me. You can spend the rest of yourlife blaming me for what happened, and I will carry that. I can live with that. I’ve already done it for eleven years, for eight years. If that’s what you need, I can keep doing it.
“You don’t have to forgive me. But I need to forgive me. I was a kid, and I made a mistake. I made the biggest mistake of my life. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t spend another day staying away from Katie because of what happened when we were teenagers. I don’t want to spend another minute punishing her for the mistakes the rest of us made. And I—”
“Tyler,” my mother said. “You listen to—”
“Carolyn, stop.”
Everything froze.
It was my father. He had stood up, and he was walking toward me. My eyes welled. Whatever was left of my blown-to-bits heart shattered all over again.
“Dad?” I squeaked. Tyler was just standing there, catching his breath.
“Paul,” my mother said. “We can’t just—”
He turned to her. “Let them go, hon.”
“No,” she said. “I...”
My dad wrapped his arms around me. “I love you, baby. I’m so sorry we weren’t there for you. I’m going to try, okay? I promise to try.”
I nodded. He wiped his eyes, squeezed my wrist, then walked the five feet over to Tyler and pulled him into a massive hug. “I missed you, son,” he said. “I’m so glad you’re all right. I’m so glad you turned out all right.”
Tyler blotted his eyes with the cuff of his jacket. “I, uh... Thank you. I really want to catch up, I...” He turned to me and smiled.Crooked—but good. My heart broke again. Whatever. “I’m sort of in the middle of something right now, though. I fucked up pretty bad with your daughter this morning. Don’t know how long it’s going to take me to fix it. Can I call you? Tomorrow, maybe? When I have a minute?”
His face lit up. “Go,” he said. “Both of you—go. Nothing would make me happier. Please.”
90
Tyler
“Tyler,” Katie said once we were standing on the sidewalk. Strangers brushed past us. She was weeping, but in a good way, and swallowed whole by the emerald gauze of her gown. The skirt was massive, and the neckline low. “What’s going on? What happened? What changed?”
I was pacing. I couldn’t stand still. Couldn’t stop moving my hands. “I’m so in love with you! I’m so in love with you, and I can’t think straight, and I don’t want to love-bomb you, and...”
She grinned. “No, it’s fine. I would love that. Please feel free.”
I grinned back, then dropped my hands to her waist and pulled her right into my arms. “I love you so much I don’t know where to put it. I loved you at the beach, in the hospital, at the pharmacy. I loved you all the years we were apart, and all the years I pushed you away. I want to love you on Thanksgiving, on Valentine’s Day, on New Year’s Eve. I want to love you at IKEA. I want to love you in my shithole apartment that you’re going to hate so, so much. I want to watch you wreak absolute havoc on our Christmas tree. I want to love you on the worst day of your life. I think I want to marry you. Am I allowed to say that? Is that too much? I don’t know how to grovel, I—”
“Um, it’s not too much for me? Because I’m obsessed with you? And sort of insane? But generally speaking, yes, that’s too much. But noted. And agreed.”
The muscles around my mouth ached. “You are the best thing in my life. I can’t believe I got another chance to love you. I can’t believe I almost threw it away. I am so in love with the way you see the world—the way you see the best in people. I think you’re really hot and smart and cool, and I think you talk too much, but in a good way. If we have a daughter, I hope she’s—Wait, do you want kids? Sorry, I told you I’m terrible at this. I just...”
Her eyes were crinkling. My whole world was spinning.
“I’m going to get back on track here, okay?” I said. She laughed, and I pulled her even closer. “I want to cheer you on when you spend the entirety of your paycheck on Taylor Swift tickets. I want you to come meet Arthur and his wife. I want to love you so much you tell me to leave you alone. I want to love you here—in the city. I want us to have a bagel place and a favorite stoop, and I want to make fun of each and every one of your absurd winter coats.
“I want to be there when you decide what’s next for you and your parents. I want to follow your lead on that. I want to talk about everything. I don’t want to keep a secret from you ever again. I want you to come to the Greek festival at my school. All the dads are going to hit on you—it’s going to be such a disaster. I want you to meet my students and see my classroom. I want you to be the last thing I see when I fall asleep...”
