She nodded. She did not turn to me when she did it, but I felt it anyway. I felt, with every bone in my body, Meredith Bradford’s heart break.
“When Selma and Alan found me, we struck a deal. The business keeps running, they keep getting paid, and they keep my secret. We maintain the house, I retain the art, everything stays thesame. I instructed Selma to hire an intern from whatever college Katie chose to attend and to ensure she was a shoo-in for a contract by the time she graduated. And you... I knew you were writing, and I knew when you signed with Oliver your last year at Brown. He was quite incompetent, it turned out. We got lucky with that, I suppose. When he dropped you, I told Selma to acquire his agency—to get access to your unsold work. It took a while, the plan, but it had to be this way. I needed you two older. I needed you two wiser. I needed to get the timing right.”
“And our thoughts? You... you got access to them that night? When you saw my dad?”
Meredith nodded. I was silent for a moment. And then, because I was still me, because I couldn’t help myself, I said, “Did you actually like my book? Or were you just saying that?”
She cracked another smile. “Your book was wonderful, Tyler. It was good before. It’s even better now. It’s extraordinary. And Selma will sell it for you this autumn, or she will introduce you to somebody who can. She will honor your agreement. You will have a fantastic career. That I’m sure of.”
I nodded. She walked back to her desk and exhaled.
“Everything you’ve experienced in this place,” she said, “has been real and true and worth remembering. I have only set the scene. You wrote your own love story, you and Katie. All I did was move a few pieces into place.”
“So, Danny?”
“Real,” she said.
“The kiss cam?”
“Real,” she said.
“Katie’s building? The fire code violations?”
“Real,” she said. “Also, Maurice.”
“Pinot? My glasses? The storm? The night I kissed her?”
“Real. A little magic, sure. But real. And Katie was right. The tropes really do work.”
I chuckled almost, then inhaled carefully. The next string of words floated out of me—a surprise as I spoke them. “Will you write me? If I sat in the corner and closed my eyes, would you write my thoughts? Would you read it to me as you type? I have to see it for myself—see it from my own point of view.”
She nodded, taking a seat at her desk. Pinot assumed his position, a single paw at the ready. I slumped against the wall and waited for the first click of a key.
“In this moment,” Meredith said, and a shiver ran through me. The words formed in my brain, loose and free and entirely mine, and as the typewriter clacked, Meredith, a beat behind, recited each one. “I think I finally understand what had, from the day I was born, drawn me to Katie. What had, time and time again, brought me back to her window. Back to the pink-gold glow of her good and glittering heart...
“I am no longer convinced that I was born rotten, but at some point, I took a wrong turn. That much I know. And I thought that once things started getting dark inside, everything else around me would turn dark too. That everyone else was going to see how unlovable I was and give up on me. That everyone else would disappear. That they’d go—that they’d leave.
“But I was wrong because there she was. The whole time, there Katie was—so light, so kind, even in her suffering. And I couldn’t stand the way she shined. I couldn’t stand that she’d been handed just as shitty a hand and came out so good. I couldn’t stand themirror she held up to me. How short I fell every single time she laughed or looked at me or loved me. I couldn’t stand the way she beamed. The way she lit up a room. The way the muscles in my body softened when she said my name.
“And so I hurt her. I hurt her because I thought it might break me into enough pieces that she’d stay away for good. That it might shatter the both of us enough that she’d finally see me for what I was. I hurt her because it was easy. I hurt her because I wanted to punish myself. I hurt her because I knew that sorry was never going to be enough. That, to stick around, I would’ve had to live with what I’d done every single second of every single day, and that had seemed impossible. That had seemed like something I would’ve never survived.
“Because even this summer, even in the moments she was completely and totally mine, I’d truly believed the only way to give Katie the love story she deserved was to turn back time.”
My words dried up. The typing stopped. I opened my eyes. Meredith stood in front of me, holding a charcoal-colored tuxedo. In Pinot’s mouth, a strip of silk. A bow tie.
“It is not too late,” she said, “to tell her how you feel.”
I winced. “It is, though. We saw her arc. She’s going to be all right. She doesn’t need me anymore. She’s going to fall in love again. She’s going to find someone better. She’s—”
“For God’s sake, Tyler. That girl loves you. She doesn’t want someone better. She wantsyoubetter! She loved you at your absolute worst. Can you imagine how much she’ll love you once you forgive yourself? When you start loving her the way she deserves? When you start loving her all the way?”
“I...”
“You listen to me,” she said. “We all do terrible things in our lives. Very few of us pay the price. You and me—we paid dearly. We have suffered enough. But Michael, he loved you. He wanted you and Katie to be together.”
My eyes lifted. “He did?”
Meredith nodded. “He knew you were good, Tyler. I promise you this.”
