“It seems to me the disaster it made of your vagina hurts me more than it hurts you. I’m the one who has to have sex with it.”
She stops in place, fighting a laugh. “Wow. Remind me never to have children with you.”
“I didn’t realize there was a risk of you having children with me,” I reply. “Apparently this trip is about to get a lot more interesting.”
“Yeah, you wish,” she says, but our eyes meet, and there’s a flicker of something between us. Something I’m going to pretend isn’t there for the time being but think about obsessively when I’m alone.
I carry the doll to the balcony as it’s clear Bex is a childcare shirker and Lars hasn’t yet realized that neither of us is fit to parent.
We are photographed holding the baby from several angles, and then they switch things up to film.
“Okay, let’s hear some actual discussion,” says Paula. “Let’s talk about having kids.”
My shoulders fall at the same time hers do. There’s no describing how badly Idon’twant to have this conversation withanyone.
“We haven’t really discussed children,” I begin woodenly. “I assume you want them.”
She hitches a shoulder. “Your penis is so crooked and soft. Do you think it evenworks?”
I fight a smile. “And I imagine if you werecapableof getting pregnant,” I reply, “you’d have trapped some pro athlete into marriage by now.”
She snort-laughs and covers her face in surprise. I smile, victorious.
“Guys,” groans Lars. “Please?”
We finally get through the requisite conversation, which we then have to shoot all over again when Jon tells us there was interference from a plane overhead.
While they set up a second time, I thrust the doll at Bex and walk to the far end of the balcony, where I lean against the rail.
“What’s the first thing you’re going to do when we get a divorce?” she asks dreamily, as if we are astronauts, longing for home.
“I imagine that’s fairly obvious,” I reply.
“Count your stacks of money and cry to a stripper about how much you miss me?”
I laugh. “Yes. Something like that. While I see you banging a meth dealer named Brick or Rocky who will suggest a threesome with his cousin at some point.”
“Brick would never,” she says, throwing the doll at me. “Not when his twin brother is already sitting there with his pants down.”
“This hardly seems like a fitting conversation in front of our child,” I say, tossing her the doll. “And it’s your turn.”
She sends it back to me. “It can be permanently your turn.”
“With my income potential? You should consider yourself lucky if I remember its name.” I pass it back like a football…one she fumbles.
The head snaps off.
“Lars?” she calls. “Theo just decapitated our baby.”
Lars is scowling. I sense we’ve gone too far.
“I can fix it,” I tell them, walking to where Bex stands.
She tries to jam the baby’s head back on, to no avail.
“Just hold it,” I hiss. “Hold the body and I’ll rest the head on your bicep.”
She tries…and the head rolls off and bounces right through the iron rails, across the street…and into the canal below.
