“It never even occurred to me that we’d need rings,” I say quietly.
“They’re real but not great quality,” says Lars. “You can buy her something nicer later on.”
I laugh miserably. “Yes, that sounds like something I’d do.”
I tug at my tie, glance at my watch, straighten my jacket, pull my cuffs down.
“I’d ask if you were getting cold feet,” Lars says, “but they’ve been cold all along. What’s going on over there?”
“Aside from the fact that I’m about to marry a virtual stranger who doesn’t like me much?”
He laughs. “Yes, other than that.”
I run a hand inside my collar. “Her father would hate everything about this, and he was a really good guy, which might surprise you, considering Rebecca.”
He cocks his head. “Why would that surprise me? Bex is the entire reason this show exists. No offense—your straight-man routine helps and you’re well-known enough to legitimize the endeavor, but she’s the one who’s impossible to look away from. She just has…charisma.”
“Isn’t that what they said about Charles Manson?”
He shakes his head. “People like Bex are good at surviving, and that’s where I put my faith: in someone who’s going to survive no matter what gets thrown at them. I know she’s not who you’d have chosen, but you could do a lot worse than her. At least she’ll keep things lively.”
“If she shows up,” I reply grimly, glancing at my watch again. “She’s five minutes late.”
He claps a hand on my shoulder. “And here I’ll offer you some unsolicited marriage advice from a man who’s never been married himself: interesting women don’t perform on anyone’s timetable but their own. Accept that part up front and your fake marriage will go a lot more smoothly.”
I refuse to concede the point. Maybe he’s right—sheisgood at surviving, and I suppose she will keep things lively, even if it’s mostly in a way I dread, but that doesn’t mean I need to act as if her classic Bex behavior is okay. I’m not her father. If she inconveniences me, she’ll hear about it. If she misses our flight to Iceland next week, she can fucking swim there if necessary, but no one’s buying her a new ticket.
The burst of noise from inside the house indicates Rebecca’s arrival. She emerges through the French doors and I freeze in place.
There’s never been a time when I didn’t find her beautiful. When she’s weeping, when she’s traveled all day and spilled coffee down her front.
But today she makes my mouth go dry, my head go blank.
Her dress is a long-sleeved sheath, covered in a layer of lace…very Audrey Hepburn circa 1950, accenting her delicate frame. Her dark hair is pulled back into a glossy chignon, her skin glows, and her wide mouth is a pop of deep rose. She looks tiny and elegant and precisely like the sort of woman my friends back home might believe I’d marry on sight.
Becauseanyonewould marry her on sight.
Her lips purse. “I assume you have something to say.”
I clear my throat. “I’m just wondering how many minutes we have before your fairy godmother returns to undo the magic spell.”
“About fifteen,” she says, “because this dress itches like a motherfucker.”
Ah, there’s the charming little lady I remember. I knew she was in there somewhere.“I’m ready if you are.”
Paula hands a bouquet to my betrothed and an index card to me. “I’ll let the two of you look over the vows for a minute just so you know what you’re in for.”
I take the card and begin to read aloud. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Theodore Roger Porter—”
“Oh my god, your middle name isRoger?” Rebecca gasps before she turns to Lars. “Lars, call it off. I can’t do this.”
I take it back. No one would marry her, not without removing her vocal cords first.
Lars glances up from his phone. “Are you two done?” he asks. “I need you on your way to marital bliss fast. I’ve got a massage at three.”
We both shrug. There can’t be anything more egregious in the vows than the fact that we’ve got to say them in the first place.
Lars moves to what he apparently considers the altar and asks me to promise to love, honor, and protect her. I fight down a twitch of guilt as I agree. On the one hand, at least fifty percent of men don’t live up to these vows I’m making right now. On the other hand, if her father is watching, he’s cursing me for this entire thing.
