“It’s bullshit, man,” says Jasper.
“Remember how their show was initially going to be about one of the owners of Families Travel?” she continues. “The guy who died with his familywhiletraveling? Well now, it’s aboutthe surviving kid who’stheoreticallymarrying the other surviving owner. There’s so much wrong with this that I don’t know where to start.”
“I’m telling you, they brought in actors,” says Jasper.
“Exhibit A,” she says, holding up a photo of me in a string bikini next to a picture of my dad and Jessie. “This issupposedlyRebecca Daniels. How exactly are we expected to believe that these people, who are both fair skinned and light haired, gave birth tothisbitch? I’m sorry but that’s not how genetics work. And here’s the other co-owner, again, theoretically.” She holds up a picture of Theo, looking hot as hell in a suit, next to mine.
I already know where she’s headed with this, and I’ve got to give her props: we do indeed appear impossibly ill-suited. “Does anyone actually believe these two are together? The dude has a master’s degree from the London School of Economics and sold a tech start-up for millions while she didn’t finish college and possibly doesn’t even work. Oh, and here’s the other thing: he lives in London and she lives in LA. So how did this grand romance even take place?” She shakes her head before telling them she’ll be back with more info and reminding them to comment below.
Oh, and comment they do, with the exact sort of garbage I’d expect.
You should sue.
Bring them dooooown!!!
OMG, she’s such a little whore.
Zaddy in the suit, tho.
“Jesus,” says the zaddy in the suit.
“Fuck these guys,” says the little whore (c’est moi).
“I didn’t show you this to discourage you,” Lars says. “But it does mean that we’ve got to be incredibly careful going forward.And that yes, we do need to have an actual wedding, because they’ll be checking.”
“We’ll keep the crew as small as possible and everyone will sign an NDA,” says Paula, “but the two of you need to behave as if you’re married when you’re in public, and Kylie wasn’t wrong…it’s hard to buy this story if you’re living across the world from each other. I don’t care if you live together in New Jersey—”
“No,” I say.
“Or London—” Paula continues.
“Absolutely not,” Theo says.
“—but at least occasionally, you need to be in the same place.”
Wow. A week ago, I theoretically wasn’t spending a second with Theo aside from filming. Now I’ve got to move in with him. It gets worse and worse.
“I’ll stay with her in New Jersey,” Theo says wearily. “I’m only in the States a few days a month, so it won’t be especially onerous.”
“Fine,” I groan. “What else?”
“I need you both to use a great deal of discretion in your, uh, private activities,” Paula replies. “If you’ve got a dating profile, delete it, and if you post on social media, make sure your posts are those of someone who’s married. Are the two of you following each other everywhere?”
Theo raises a cynical brow. “She’s wearing a ‘Let’s Get Wrecked’ T-shirt to a business meeting. I think it goes without saying that I’m not following her.”
“Let’s fix that now,” Paula says. “Theo—I assume this is you? At Theo Porter? Bex…? I’m not seeing you.”
“Cumslut69,” I chirp.
“I hope that’s a joke,” Theo groans.
“Sorry. It’s actually at-cumslut-underscore-69. Theo’s mom got to the original one first.”
“Bex,” Lars chides, and though he’s laughing, it’s clear he’s had enough. Or worries that Theo is about to jump ship.
“Fine. It’s TheOnlyBexYouKnow, all one word.”
When Theo’s shoulders sag in relief, irritation rises inside me like a mounting, powerful wave. Yes, I’m young and shallow and dumb and classless. Line up a hundred reasonably attractive twenty-four-year-olds and I’d place in his bottom five. But he doesn’t need to act as if I’m a horror show just because I’ve made a stupid joke. He doesn’t need to act as if he’ssweptwith relief upon discovering that my Instagram handle is relatively normal.
