Maybe he is.
Maybe that’s what his speeding heartbeat means.
That he’s mortified.
And here I am, clinging to him.
Move, dammit, I order myself, and finally—finally—I shake myself off of him.
“Thank you for—for understanding. I’ll—I’ll go help Lav.”
“Cricket—”
“No, it’s okay. It’s—it’s been one of those mornings, and things happen, and you’re still—you’re still probably the best man I’ve ever met in my entire life. A really good dad. A good friend. I don’t know—I don’t know anyone else who could live with this many women and not lose his mind. You’re a good person, Heath. Thank you.”
With that, I flee.
I flee and leave him to clean up my mess while I try to pretend nothing’s wrong and put on a brave face for hisdaughter, who’s crying softly and rocking herself under a young birch tree out in the yard.
Nothingiswrong.
I don’t have a crush on him.
He didn’t get a hard-on while hugging me.
If he did, I didn’t like it.
He definitely didn’t like it.
That’s how it has to be.
16
SCREAM (LOUDER)
Heath
I can’t breathe.
My chest is being compressed like it’s inside that laminator machine that Olivia and Samantha use when they’re making croissants. My throat is constricted like I have a snake wrapped around it.
My skin is buzzing, my heart is racing, and it’s all I can do to fumble through using my keys to open the back door of the building that used to house a tasting room and gift shop at the front of the property before I collapse.
Shit fuck fuck fuck motherfucking dammit hell fuck shit fuck.
The door slams shut behind me, and I drop into a squat, suck in as much air as I can into my lungs, and finally let it all out, yelling every curse word I know in a howl that I would never want Lavender to overhear.
Or anyone else around here.
I howl and scream out all of my pent-up frustrations and worries and irritations that I never let my daughter see, my voicebooming and echoing in the dark empty storeroom off of the tasting room.
The glitter.
Dear fucking hell,the glitter.
The goddamn cat who’s getting chunkier again.
The way Lav and I can’t stay here and the way I can’t find a goddamn fucking place that I want to move her to because my best friends in the entire universe won’t be there with me and because I don’t know if Lav will forgive me for taking her away from her friends in the interest of living somewhere that my in-laws won’t expect or be able to use against me.
