Nothing at all about how I keep wanting to go downstairs and ask her if she’s doing better.
Or that I feel like she’s one more thing on my list of responsibilities.
Or how I saw her smiling in the garden last night while Lav and I were walking Fluffy and thought she was the most gorgeous creature I’ve ever seen.
Fuck me, I have issues.
“We did it, Cricket! We beat the dragons!”
Lav high-fives Cricket, and then they do a complicated handshake that involves gestures that make me think of butterfly wings and prancing unicorns.
Iwantto tell Cricket to not let Lav get too attached, but even when I try to go a week without coming over to the main house, Lav sneaks over here anyway.
She’s seen women come and go for most of what she can remember of her life.
My problem is mine, not my daughter’s.
She’s learning healthy ways to say goodbye to people while also having people she can depend on.
This is good for her.
“I have two spots for us in a class on making balloon animals this afternoon,” I announce.
“Daddy!” Lav flies at me like she’s just now seeing me—probably is, she’s pretty focused when she’s in her imagination—and I catch her and lift her for a hug.
She’s filthy.
Good sign she had fun this morning.
Also not the best for going into town. Class is inside the library. If it were in the park, we could go dirty. If it’s in the library, I need to clean her up or risk having a few single moms ask me if I need help.
“You have lunch?” I ask my daughter.
“Elizabeth made me grilled cheese and apples with dragon heart sauce.” She puts her hands on either side of my face and makes me bend my head down to take a kiss on my nose.
“What goes in dragon heart sauce?” I ask.
“Dragon hearts, Daddy.”
“Whatelse?”
“Strawberries and pears and marshmallow fluff.”
“Huh.”
“It’s my extra-secret special respisee.”
I love that she still can’t sayrecipe.
It’s one lingering pronunciation that first grade didn’t steal from her, the way they tookpeter butter sammichfrom me.
Freaking Ms. Emerson.
“You told Elizabeth how to make your secret dragon heart sauce?” I ask Lav.
“If she tells anyone, a dragon gets to set her house on fire.”
Times like this, I wish I could homeschool her.
