And then I groan as I feel a wrench in my back too.
So this is my life now.
I’ve fallen from what little grace the universe has always shown me, and I am now, officially, a disaster.
2
LETHAL BEAVER
Heath Moriarty, aka a single dad who was already at the end of his rope
I’m not alet’sstay in bed and hide from the world all daykind of guy, but if I were and if I could, I would be today.
I woke up to my cat yowling after getting stuck in her cat door to the porch.
My six-year-old was kicked out of her summer camp program yesterday.
And now I’ve been sucker-punched by a woman who’s not supposed to be here.
Gonna have a black eye from this one.
She got me good.
Also, she’s a lefty.
And now I need to reattach the shower curtain rod while I’m here today.
I blink rapidly against the blurring and pain in my right eye as I block my daughter from seeing any more of what’s in here. Today, my little agent of chaos is dressed like a cat, completewith whiskers that she drew on herself with a Sharpie while I wasn’t looking. “Lavender, can you please text Mabel?”
“No phones!” the naked woman in the tub shrieks. “Get out!”
She reaches for the shower curtain that’s fallen to the side of the tub, but her whole face pinches in pain as she gives a little gasp and arches her back, thrusting her breasts out, which she immediately tries to cover with her hands, but then she winces again.
Probably lumbar strain from the fall.
“I’m not—” I start, but she cuts me off again with a banshee impression.
“No phones! No internet! No cameras! No phones! Get out!”
“Okay. Okay.” I slip my daughter my phone. “Lav, text Mabel from the bedroom.Do not leave the bedroom.”
“Meow meow meowhissssssss,” she replies.
“Oh, shucks, I forgot my kitty translator.”
“We’re not supposed to walk in on people in the shower, Daddy.”
No shit, kid. “We didn’t know she was in here. Please go text Mabel.”
The woman rolls toward the shower wall with an audible gasp, bending her leg to cover her pubic region and throwing an arm over her breasts while she pants out a breath.
Her towel is sliding down her forehead.
Shit.
I turned off the house’s water supply since I know the shut-off valve at the toilet is broken. Supposed to replace that today too.
Bubbles are leaking from under the towel and down her neck and shoulders.
