“This isn’t the way. Fairy magic always comes back to bite you.”
He’d guessed as much. Becoming a werewolf hadn’t done anything but make him feel like an idiot. “I want to be able to protect Josh—the way I didn’t when we were kids.” He’d never expected to be on the front lines—or near the front lines—of the world ending in Wisconsin. But here he was, and he couldn’t even use the medical skills he had because he had no control over his werewolf nature. “If I was more capable, if I had more to offer, I could help Josh. I need to be there for him.”
“You can’t even shift at will. What makes you think having more ability will accomplish anything but land your ass in disaster?”
Nothing. “I’m not seeing any other options right now. Josh won’t even talk to me.”
“Then you’re not looking hard enough.” Laddin abruptly shoved upright and pulled Bruce over onto his back so that they could look eye to eye. It was hard to see in the darkness, and yet Laddin’s light brown eyes still seemed to bore into him. “Going for the apple isn’t the way. It will only repeat the first mistake—only the mistake will be bigger this time.”
“And the first mistake was?”
“Did that cherry help you in any way? Do you feel like you’re on your feet and soaring to bigger and better things?”
No. And yet…. “I just had the best sex of my life. That ought to count for something.”
Laddin blew out a breath. “We could have done that any time. You didn’t have to eat a cherry to do it.”
Except they never would have met without the cherry.
“I don’t know if you can fix things with Josh, but I promise you, that fairy apple isn’t going to do it for you.”
Bruce firmed his chin and glared at Laddin. “I’m not giving up on my brother.”
“Your brother is doing fine. It’s you you’re worried about. I’d look there first.”
That statement hit uncomfortably close to something Bruce couldn’t even name. “There’s nothing here to look at. Nothing at all.”
Laddin touched his face. The fingers were thick with calluses, but his caress was gentle, and the combination of the two set Bruce’s skin to burning. “Do you really think that? That you’re nothing?”
Hell no. He was much worse than nothing. He was the monster his father had claimed Josh was. But he wasn’t going to talk about that—not to a guy he’d just met, no matter how good he fucked. So he shook his head. “I’ve got red in my ledger. I’m trying to wipe it clean.”
He didn’t think Laddin would get the Black Widow reference. He wouldn’t know it except that Marvel comics were one of the few things he and Josh had shared. At least they had, before sports, girls, and their father had gotten between them. But Laddin was smart, and he obviously followed the pop culture reference just fine.
“Don’t give me that movie shit. If you wanted to save the world, you’d become a doctor or a—”
“A fire medic?”
Laddin grimaced. “You really based your life on a Black Widow comic?”
He shrugged. This was the most introspection he’d done in years. It wasn’t his strong suit. But maybe that was a side effect of becoming a werewolf. He started thinking in ways he’d never done before. He started thinking abouthimselfin ways that made him question his entire life up until now. Was everything he was, everything he’d done, all about making up for being an asshole older brother?
He thought for a moment. He remembered all the things he’d done to his brother when they were kids. Things that would get a parent arrested. Verbal and physical abuse were only the beginning. He’d been mean because his father had taught him to be mean, and the older man had praised him the more vicious he got.
The memories made him feel sick, and he flopped back onto the bedroll with a grunt. “I want to make up for being a shit older brother. That’s all.”
“Have you tried saying ‘I’m sorry’?”
Those two words seemed so lame. And when he’d actually used them, he’d been too late. Josh had blown him off with surprising strength. “This apology thing,” he said in the darkness. “It’s a new thought for me.”
Laddin didn’t respond except to grunt. Bruce knew what the sound meant. It was the universal noise of “whatever.” It meant that Laddin was done talking. He’d given his opinion and wasn’t going to belabor the point. That was both comforting and thoroughly frustrating, because Bruce needed to sort this out. He needed to find a way to connect with Josh. And he needed that damned fairy apple to leave his thoughts. Because the more he thought about it, the more it hung in the air right behind his closed eyelids. If he focused on it even a little, he could smell it and feel the tingle of its magic against his tongue.
“Let it go for tonight,” Laddin said as he tucked his arm around Bruce’s chest. Then he dropped his head against Bruce’s arm and inhaled a long, deep breath. “You don’t smell like cheese anymore.”
“Thank God for small favors.” But then he remembered that in the midst of mulling over his own problems, he’d forgotten all about Laddin’s. “You have to talk to the pixies tomorrow morning.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“Have you set an alarm?”
