Three words that stripped my mind from my body. I’d already been in a precarious place, my emotions a riot of need, lust, and anger. But those words were a trigger for me. They had been, ever since my mother had uttered them, right before she’d abandoned us. They left me without rational thought, a single nerve exposed to the world.
“No!” The word came out in a rasp of denial. I couldn’t face it. I felt too much. Ellie jolted in response, but I couldn’t face her, either. I had no ability to explain, and no way to stop the pain.
So I did the only thing I could do at that moment—I ran.
Chapter Twenty
Ellie
Pain lanced through me. Rejection, stark and clear.
I hadn’t even meant to say the words out loud. They kind of just flowed from the great orgasm, the special place of love that had been created from Jake opening up to me and—again—amazing sex.
The thing is, the sex hadn’t been amazing because the orgasm had felt incredible. It had, but that wasn’t what had made the experience so special. A body pulsing with pleasure was great, but we’d had that before. What had pushed me to say those stupid three words was the way Jake had talked to me. He’d opened up about his father, and when he couldn’t talk anymore, I heard things on a deeper level. His father was out of control, and so Jake had needed to reassert his own. He’d needed to be dominant somewhere, even if it had only been over me.
I understood that. Hell, I’d loved it. There’s nothing as sexy as a guy who can take control. Especially when he made me want it as much as he did. In every nonverbal way possible, I’d said, “Take me. I’m yours.” Then we’d had that epic release…and the words just came out. They’d been a natural extension of where we’d both been. In love. Complete, all-consuming, and beautiful.
Or so I thought.
I’d been there. He, apparently, hadn’t.
Worse, as soon as the words came out, he’d jerked as if I’d slapped him. That one word, “no,” had echoed in the room as he’d pulled away in complete terror. Oh sure, he’d been smooth about it. The man’s body was poetry in motion, even when he was grabbing his pants and mumbling something about needing to check on his father.
I just lay there, dazed from the rejection. Lost.
And then the pain hit, deep and wrenching. So much for exposure therapy. No amount of rejection from strangers could come close to the agony that swept over me in wave after miserable wave. The man I loved had just run out on me—literally.
I stayed there for an hour, letting the tears flow freely and calling myself every sort of idiot. I should have known better. This was a fake relationship, after all. He wasn’t looking for a declaration of love.
And then I started to question my own feelings. Maybe I wasn’t really in love, after all. Hell, he’d saved me from an eighteen-story plummet to my death. This was hero worship, plain and simple. Mix that with great sex, and bam, those three bad words had tumbled out of my mouth.
That’s what I would tell him—that I’d been wrong. It wasn’t love. I’d just been overcome with endorphins after such a great orgasm. I imagined leaving a message on his cell phone saying exactly that, apologizing for being such a hopeless romantic, and suggesting we do something that would put us on a casual footing again.
That sounded like a great plan…except I was in a hotel room in Detroit and there were two more days to our All-Star Game trip. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t want to run from the pain. No trying to cover it up with lies to myself or to him.
I loved him. He didn’t love me back.
Shit, shit, shit.
I breathed into the pain, letting it wash through me, hoping it would fade. It didn’t. Of course it didn’t. And the knowledge that I had two more days with him was suddenly just too much. I couldn’t do it. The ache in my heart was so bad, I could barely breathe. How was I going to handle the press, fans, and God only knew what else I’d encounter with this event?
Short answer: I couldn’t. I’d just bared my heart to Jake, and he’d run out in terror. He’d ditched me so fast, he’d left his shoes behind. That absolved me of any guilt I might feel by leaving.
I grabbed my phone and started thumbing through the internet. My hands were shaking, but I still managed to rent a car that would be delivered in twenty minutes. I was dressed and packed in five, but good manners forced me to leave behind a note.
What could I say? “Sorry I scared you”? “Sorry I forgot that this wasn’t a real relationship”? Anger and pain filled me. I was furious at his childishness one moment, then chastising myself for being so stupid the next. Truly, I had no idea what I thought or felt. In the end, I went for simple.
Had to go home. Don’t worry. I rented a car and will be fine.
Ellie
That was the old Ellie again, the perfect people pleaser. Trying to make him feel better for being a total ass. Frustrated with myself, I wiped away my tears and headed out.
…
Jake
I was a jerk. An ass. A dick. And a thousand other names I called myself while squatting in my father’s hotel room. I knew that I had acted badly. The smart thing to do would be to run back upstairs and beg for Ellie’s forgiveness.
