“There are so many other positions.” He is still staring at the first time I had sex.
“That is private.”
“It shouldn’t be.” He points. “He isn’t even flexing his ass. Small flexes. Soft flexes. Gentle flexes. Teases the g-spot perfectly.”
“Aengus.” I swat at the image and watch as it ripples and fades.
“Fine, fine, fine,” he says. “Survival isn’t about surviving something coming at you.” He turns to face me, the images of my life spread out past him. “It’s to determine if you’ve already developed the skills to be the queen you are meant to become.”
“Wait.” I pinch the bridge of my nose because I feel like I’m about to suffocate. “Kestra said that.”
“Oh yes. Mostly.” He nods. “See all of this. Your life. The trials and the pain and the darkest nights.” He brings up a moment not too terribly removed from now.
“Oh, Ash.” I walk up to the image, watching myself curled up on the bathroom floor, just crying. “I remember this.” Tears burn my eyes as I kneel, because the image is close to the floor.
Wetness spreads through my pants from where I crouch.
“Ah yes.” Aengus kneels beside me. His blue hair flutters with an invisible wind.
Even now in the memory, thick magenta-purple magic swirls around the moment from long before I ever knew who I was. The me from the past thought she was human. Thought she was nothing more than a woman so broken inside no one could ever love her.
It isn’t true. But she thought so at the time.
“Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“Is now really the time?” I grumble.
“Time is now. Now is time.” He spins in a circle. “Time slows, it moves, it breathes with the wind.” His arm does the worm as he mutters like Whispen.
Where the hell is Whispen?
“Aengus,” I call to him. “Where is Whispen?”
“Focus, Queen Ashlynne Moonshadow of the Wild Court. You must focus.” He grips my face in his hands and I swear he sees into my soul. “What do you feel?” He slowly backs away to spin again. “Talk it out.”
Ignoring the strange god, I focus on my past self.
“The only person who hasn’t forgiven me is—” Heart pounding, I turn to Aengus. “Me.”
“Ah.” He stops, pausing before me. “Tell me about—” he points at the moment I thought I was unlovable. “Her.”
I breathe slowly through my nose and out through a small hole in my lips. “Don’t make me do this.”
“Oh but you must, Queen Ash.” He sings my name. “Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.”
“I’d rather not.” I twist my hands.
“To become, you must become undone.”
I close my eyes, letting the tears fall. The very ones that haven’t stopped falling in far too fucking long.
“I—” Swallow. “Was seeing this Fae.” I glance at Aengus. Then back to the memory. I want to reach in and comfort her. But I can’t. I know I can’t. “I thought I could love him.” I swallow. “When Graves first asked me about Velasca Academy I had forgotten.” I sit back on my heels and swipe at the tears.
“Truthfully untruthful.” The sound of his voice echoes all around me.
“I didn’t really remember him until now.”
“Protection.”
