“I don’t think that’s it exactly,” Jonathan adds with a note of sympathy.
“He’d ask me if I told you what we did.Or how you felt about something.He was so worried about making you mad.Why date me?”
“He’s that sensitive-feely guy you always go for.He wrote you poetry!How could you not luv—like him a real lot?”I throw a rolled-up straw wrapper at Collin.He laughs at me.
“The poetry wasn’t bad,” Jonathan notes, appearing nostalgic.I gawk at him.“It wasn’t.I liked it a real lot too.”
Nowhe’steasing me.Great.
“He fell for your squishy heart and was hoping to be cool enough to hang with… us.”
“You?”I shake my head in disbelief.“What’s so great about you?”
“Where should I begin?How much time do we have?”Collin smirks.
I take a cleansing breath.I’ll probably cry about this later.I make a face and ask Jonathan, “So… you know.”
“I know.”He glances between us again.“You weren’t going to tell me?”
I shrug.
“Why not?”
“Because she’s in love with you,” Collin blurts.I kick him under the table.“Shit!I’m just kidding.I meant that she wasn’t in love with him.”
Jonathan’s neck is red.Instead of replying, he waves to Clara to let her know we’re ready to order.Thankfully, we don’t bring it up again.Ever.
Jonathan and I aren’t talking.We’re avoiding each other so intentionally that, sometimes, it looks like we’re dancing in the hallways to stay out of each other’s way.
I hurt for more reasons than I can name.At the same time, I still love him.But I’m so furious.And heartbroken.And worried.
I want to hug him.Scream at him.And never speak to him again, all at the same time.
I did what I promised Collin I’d never do—I ruined us.Hopefully not forever.Collin says he doesn’t hate me.But it puts him in the worst position, having to choose who to spend time with.It was easier when Jonathan was staying with him.But Jonathan returned home two nights ago because his mother wants him there for Christmas this weekend.
“Do you think he’ll be safe?”
“What do you mean?”Collin asks.
We’re decorating the gingerbread cookies at our kitchen table.My family includes them in the holiday gift baskets we hand out every year.If Collin will stop eating them.
I slap at his hand when he breaks off an arm and pops it into his mouth.“What?It was broken.”I growl at him.“Okay, what do you mean about being safe?”
“Will his dad hurt him again?”
“Probably.”
My mouth drops.I can’t believe he just said that like it’s a fact.So calm and accepting.
“What do you want from me?I’m being honest.”He swipes some frosting onto my nose.“But he and I made a deal.It should make you feel better.”Maybe I mistook confidence for calm.
“What is it?”I swipe the frosting off with the back of my hand.
“I can’t tell you.That was part of the deal.”
“Will yourdealkeep him safe?”
Collin shrugs.
