I shake my head.My lip quivers.“Do you really wish that?”
“No one should have to go through this.”He doesn’t look away, not even when a tear drips onto his cheek.
“No.They shouldn’t.And I’m so sorry that he’s made you feel like that.But I can’t imagine my life without you.You are my best memories.All of my wishes.My favorite person.I don’t know how I would exist without you.At least not the person I am now.I wouldn’t be the same.”
“Do you still love me even though I don’t deserve you?”He looks like he’s prepared for me to smash him into a million shards.But he’s been cut too many times in his life.I never want to be the one who hurts him.
“That’s not a choice.”
He doesn’t understand.
“My heart could be obliterated and still belong to you.”
“Obliterated?”
I let out a tear-filled chuckle.“Talking about it is harder than I thought.”I take a breath to gather myself.“You don’t get to decide who loves you.Or how they love you.But you do get to decide if you deserve it.To accept being loved, no matter how hard it is to believe you’re worthy.
“There isn’t anything you can do that could make me stop loving you, Jonathan Reeves.Nothing.I will always look for you.No matter where you are.Because I know you.You’re my best friend.The boy who made sure I was never left behind.You convinced me I could jump from cliffs.And was braver than I felt.You allowed me to believe I could stand up for myself while always being the one standing behind me.You’re my first love.The only boy I’ll ever love.
“And I don’t regret a single second of your existence.Not when you kissed those girls and I wanted to puke.Or when you visited Rutgers and pretended to be twenty to get laid.”
Jonathan makes an apologetic face.
“Not when you didn’t tell me to break up with every boy I dated who was the exact opposite of you, just so I could try to forget how much I was in love with you.”
He nods.“Now they make sense.”
I laugh.
“And not even when I watched you share a fricken lollipop with Olivia Holister.”
“Who?”He seriously looks confused.
“Livvy!”Saying her name tastes gross.
“Oh, yeah.That was stupid.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Honestly, I don’t know.I was there to make sure Oren didn’t do anything… and then you arrived with Collin.And I was distracted by… it doesn’t matter.I screwed up.None of it mattered.And I ended up pissing you off and losing you for an entire month because I was too lost in my own self-pitying bullshit.”He clenches his jaw.
I’m still waiting for the answer.He narrows his eyes when I remain silent.I widen my eyes and blink.Jonathan inhales and blurts.“She… put it in my mouth, and… it happened.”
I cringe.“She put it in your mouth?That’s… disturbing.”
He cringes and nods.“Can we not talk about her anymore?I swear to you, I have no interest in her.Never have or will.It was stupid, and I was a jackass.I’m sorry.I’ll never have another lollipop for the rest of my life.I promise.”
“Jackass, maybe.But… you’re not a monster.”
This sobers him.
“I see you, Jonathan Reeves.And, yes, I still love you.”
He smiles his gorgeous white smile.It’s so big; it gleams.I don’t see it nearly enough.
“I love you too.The day you found me was the best day of my life.I know I sure as hell wouldn’t be the same without you.Your smile.Your little quirks.Your brilliant eyes that, I swear, twinkle.And your trust in me.That is the only thing keeping me together.”
Jonathan leans over and pulls me across the bed.
