*
AIDEN
When Zach puts his hand on my arm, my gut reaction is to pull away. To bury the pain and clam up again. These are things he doesn’t need to know. He shouldn’t know. The less he knows, the better.
But his touch sends a wave of warmth through me. And the look on his face is so tender and earnest. I’ve bottled up these feelings, this guilt, for so long. And here’s a kind soul who’s reaching out, who seems to care.
Zach senses this. “Go ahead. You can tell me.”
I take a deep breath and gaze into his eyes. “Nobody knows the entire story. But here goes. You remember the bunker I made it to?”
Zach nods.
“Well, after Connor brought me and Marcus back, they recruited me into the couriers. I didn’t really want to do it, but it’s why they took us in. So I couldn’t really say no. A special forces soldier trained me and taught me how to defend myself. How to survive. It turns out I was good at it. But nobody was better than Connor. We spent a lot of time together training. He was good-looking and friendly to me. I never thought he liked me more than a friend. But Marcus was still jealous.”
Zach glances over. “I know the feeling. Felix got jealous too.”
I nod. “Connor and I drifted apart after that. Well, that mission I told you about where I thought Connor died? What I didn’t say was Marcus was furious. I told him there was nothing to worry about. I didn’t see Connor that way. I wanted to learn from him in the field. Learn from the best. But I left on the mission before Marcus and I really resolved it. We left on bad terms, and that’s one of my greatest regrets.”
I tell Zach about how Marcus was sick when I returned from that horrible mission. For the first time, I repeat Marcus’s dying words out loud. “Connor. I know—”
Zach’s eyes are glossy when I finish. “I’m so sorry about Marcus. And that you only got to see him at the very end.”
I nod, wiping away my tears.
“What do you think Marcus was trying to say?” Zach asks in barely a whisper.
But I can’t answer. I can barely meet Zach’s gaze. It’s been so long since I’ve dug into these thoughts that other buried memories start bubbling to the surface. WhydidMarcus say Connor’s name? I thought Connor was dead at the time, but now I know he wasn’t. What does that mean? Did Marcus suspect what had happened between Connor and me on that trip? There’s no way Marcus could have known. Still, the guilt of it rips at me.
Zach looks into my eyes, searching for answers. As his gaze pierces into me, my face gives me away.
“There’s something else, isn’t there?” he asks.
My heart wrenches. Why does Zach always figure this stuff out? I turn my head, not able to look at him.
“Something else happened with you and Connor.” Zach takes my hand. “Tell me.”
I breathe deeply, thinking back on a memory I’ve locked so tightly in my mind, so securely, I can scarcely remember it. But when I say the first words, the details come flooding back. “It was the night before Connor fell off the bridge. We’d been driving all day and finally stopped for the night. We set up camp and made a small campfire.
“When Connor was around other people, he always seemed to put on a show. But he was a lot less intimidating when I was with him one-on-one. That night, we talked about being couriers and what a challenge it was. He said he was impressed by me, which was a huge compliment because I really looked up to him. He told me there were few people he trusted more in the field than me.”
I skip the part where Connor tells me his conspiracy theories about the Collective and his thinly veiled attempt to recruit me. I can’t tell Zach I’m carrying XT58. I have too many conflicting thoughts about what role the Collective did or didn’t play. This is more than I can get into right now.
“I hardly noticed it, but before long, we were sitting next to each other, huddled by the fire, trying to keep warm.” I take a deep breath. “And that’s when he kissed me. It was so unexpected that it took me a moment to register what was happening. But then I pushed him away and told him no, and that it wasn’t what I wanted.”
Zach watches with rapt attention, frown deepening.
“But that didn’t stop him. He pulled me back in. My immediate reaction should have been to jump up and get some distance between us. But I didn’t. I let it happen. He kept kissing me. I hate to say it, but I got caught up in it. Then he reached for my pants and started unbuttoning them. That’s what snapped me back to reality. And all I could think of was Marcus and how right he had been. He begged me not to go, but I didn’t listen.
“So I tried to get away, but Connor pulled me back again. The sudden forcefulness scared the crap out of me. For a moment, there was something in his eyes. I was genuinely frightened of him.”
I pause for a moment, not sure I can continue. These memories were buried so deeply that dredging them up makes the hurt feel fresh again. Tears are welling up.
But Zach is watching quietly, with such intense and caring eyes. “Keep going. I’m listening.”
“I yelled ‘no’ and pushed him away. He grabbed my wrists again, so hard it gave me bruises. This massive surge of adrenaline gave me the strength to get free. I jumped up, ready to defend myself. I didn’t know how he’d react. I thought he might come at me again. This man I’d known for months turned into a different person.
“He got up and stormed off to his tent. His face was so filled with hatred. I’ll never forget that look.”
