“If it isn’t, Loretta Shapoopi.” Niki rides her gaze up and down at the woman’s outfit. “You’re looking dramatic and traumatic as always.”
“Dramatic?” Loretta’s eyebrows shoot up to meet her gravity-defying hairline. “Honey, I don’t do dramatic. I domagnificent. There’s a difference.”
Evidently, she didn’t hear the traumatic party. It’s for the better.
I settle into a chair while Watson positions himself strategically between tables for maximum dropped food opportunity. “Niki thought she might be able to help with your—romantic situation.”
Loretta’s hand hits the table with enough force to make Watson’s ears perk up. “My romantic situation?” Her voice couldshatter wine glasses. “Who said I have a romantic situation? I have romanticoptions. Multiple options.”
“Right,” Niki says with a frown. “How’s that working out for you? Last I heard, you were fighting a senior citizen over a senior citizen.”
Loretta’s red hair seems to expand with fury. “For your information, Icky Niki, Flip Flapjack is a very successful businessman with excellentequipment.” She winks and the three of us cringe.
Cooper groans. Poor guy can only take so many mental images of his baby sister hanging out with the crypt keeper.
Coop shakes his head. “Can we please not discuss Flip’s equipment when I’m about to eat?”
“What equipment?” Niki asks, suddenly a little too interested. “His grill? His deep fryer? His sausage stuffer?”
Now it’s me groaning.
“Among other things,” Loretta smirks, clearly enjoying Cooper’s discomfort. And mine.
Watson tilts his head like he’s trying to understand why humans make everything so complicated when the solution is obviously just to be adorable and hope for delicious food. My only two goals in life, really.
“Look, Loretta,” Niki says, leaning forward as she’s about to deliver a little tough love. “I’m going to be honest with you because we’re practically family.”
“We’re not family,” Loretta corrects, cold as ice. “Just because your sister’s dating my brother doesn’t make us anything. We’re strangers who happen to know the same people.”
“Fair enough.” Niki shrugs. “But as someone who hasn’t racked up multiple divorces like frequent flyer miles, maybe I know a thing or two about keeping a man.”
“From you?” Loretta says, a thin smile pulling at her lips. “Someone who treats boyfriends like accessories? And changes them more than she changes her nail polish? That’s adorable.”
It’s true. And oddly, it’s more than she changes underwear. I’m not sure what that says about Niki.
“At least I’m not competing with a retirement community,” my sister snaps.
“Okay,” Cooper cuts in. “Let’s dial it back. There are kids around.”
“What kids?” Lorretta snaps.
“Watson counts,” Cooper says, pointing to our dog, who’s currently investigating a fallen French fry like it might confess.
“That dog has better dating instincts than both of you,” I tell Niki and Loretta. “He sees something he wants, goes for it, and doesn’t overthink it.”
“Exactly my point,” Loretta declares. “I see what I want, I take it. End of story. That’s called confidence. You should try it.”
Niki snorts. “Confidence? Honey, you don’t date, you rotate.”
Loretta’s smile goes tight. “At least I get picked.”
“Oh, you get picked,” Niki says. “You just don’t get kept.”
“Listen to me, sweetheart,” Loretta snaps. “I’ve had more husbands than you’ve had serious relationships.”
“And how many of those made it past the honeymoon?” Niki fires back. “Because from where I’m sitting, you’re batting zero after the first fight.”
Loretta leans in, her voice dropping. “Careful. You’re not exactly bringing in quality control over there.”
