“No, about what you can and can’t do.”
I stare out the entrance. Lucy lazes on the stairs, muzzle resting on the top step, watching us. Her tail thumps against the stair rail as she notices me looking over. I wiggle my fingers ather in a wave, but she doesn’t move. My unofficial therapy dog has taken a vacation since Addie walked into my life.
“I don’t know,” I say. “Sometimes I worry about it, but most of the time it doesn’t really cross my mind until I’m in a situation where something can’t happen. My agent had a kid last year. Twins, actually. They’re so sweet. Blond curls and big blue eyes. I went home and sobbed after I met them.”
“Oh, Zander,” she whispers.
“I felt stupid later, but I just…in that moment, I suddenly realized I’m not sure what would happen if I had kids. I knew people in prison who had their kids taken away after they’d been sentenced. And, I don’t know, maybe that was warranted for some, but for me?”
“Do you want kids?”
I glance over at my dog again. Part of me never thought I would be capable of raising anything, given how I grew up. When Gran got me Lucy years ago, she handed me a tiny, floppy puppy who instantly settled in my arms. I knew in that moment I would do anything for that dog. And I have. I’ve treated her better than my parents ever treated me.
“It scares me to admit I do. I have no role models to fall back on and ask how to raise a child. I’m so disconnected from my parents that I changed my last name to Gran’s. Lucy makes me believe I’m capable, but I know animals are different from human babies. What if I find out the hard way I can’t do it?”
Addie smacks her lips and calls for Lucy. Lucy bounds up the final step and trots over to the two of us. She licks Addie’s hand, then hops onto my legs and begins slobbering all over my face. Addie shoots a grin my way.
“I think you don’t give yourself enough credit. I’ve seen how you treat Lucy and interact with the kids in town when they see her. You’re nurturing. You care deeply. You’d make a great dad.”
Lucy settles between us, nudging her cold nose against my elbow. I disentangle my hand from Addie’s and bury it in Lucy’s fur. Addie does the same, and our hands meet in the middle. I take a deep breath and try to accept Addie’s judgement of me.
She’d make a fantastic mother. I would hate to stand in the way of that. I shake out my hair, letting a few wayward strands fall into my eyeline, and tell her yet another of my worries.
“When my publisher wanted to do a book tour for my memoir, I had to figure out laws surrounding travel and criminal convictions. I guess I hadn’t realized how complicated all that can be.”
“Were you able to do it?”
“Yeah, I was on Good Morning America talking about…everything. I also went to London for a stop. It might be easier now, since I’m further out from sentencing and parole. I don’t know. It makes me queasy thinking about it now.”
“It’s cool. We can just travel Canada until you’re brave enough to tackle it again. Lots to see here.”
“I’ve always wanted to go to Nova Scotia.”
“Oh, yeah? Peggy never took you?”
My stomach flips. The fact she remembers something I told her on the day we met lights me up inside.
“I never went anywhere as a kid, actually, so no, not then. I haven’t travelled much as an adult, either. It’s kind of sad. There’s so many places I would love to see, but I’ve never really felt like I was on my feet enough to do it. Or maybe that I didn’t deserve it. I don’t know.”
“You deserve it. Trust me. If anyone deserves to give themselves a break, it’s you.” She pauses, draws her legs to her chest, and folds her arms over her knees. She curls up and rests her head on her arms, giving her a better view of my face. “We’ll go in the fall, okay? The trees are gorgeous in Cape Breton then.”
I smile and lean in. Addie’s eyes flutter shut as she meets my mouth. I taste the chocolate on her lips from the cookies she made for me to give to Gran. A recipe Adelaide searched high and low for, simply because Gran couldn’t find her recipe from 1965.
“You’re making plans for the fall already, huh?” I breathe against her.
She places a quick kiss on my lips, pulls back. “I could make much sooner plans as well, if you’d like.”
“Any plan you have, I’m there.”
“Great. Then you’re my date to the Canada Day Festival on Wednesday.”
Chapter Eighteen
Zander
Ishould not be this anxious to be in town, not when I’m here weekly visiting Gran, and more since Addie and I have started dating. But wow, do I feel like I’m going to shit my pants.
Beaver Creek has outdone itself. Which is actually a bit of a difficult task. The town takes holidays seriously, and every time I think I’ve seen the most decked out version of it, the town council plans something even better. The Canada Day Festival held in the park is impressive. The first thing I see is Beverly the Beaver with a giant maple leaf hat on her head. A pennant garland of Canadian flags is draped around the base of the statue. She’s a welcoming face as I step onto the festival grounds.
