The flame burned bright in her hand, charring the tips of herfingers. Briar held it gently, not wanting to snuff the fire out, even if it hurt her. Tears welled in her eyes yet refused to spill.
“But beneath the bitterness was something else. I felt like I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. Your anger shielded me from it. I think that’s what it’s been doing all along.”
Briar extended her palm to Corin, holding the fire close. The flame raged on, a bright burning ball that was too painful to look at. Corin wanted to turn away, but woody vines wrapped tightly around her limbs, fixing her in place. Her eyes took in the light, and there it was, the grief that she had swallowed, burning her insides. The suffocating taste of shame dried her throat like ash, curling deep into her lungs, quietly eroding her broken heart.
This kind of pain was worse than anger. It told her that she lost too many people she loved, not from the cruelty of their world, but because of her own selfishness.
As Corin continued staring into the fire, her heartbeats slowed into a dull rhythm. The pain was still there, though she became used to the sharp sting, the smoke lingering on her skin, the embers fading with each steady breath. She heard Briar’s quiet exhales, too, as they sat in front of the light. Neither exchanged words while feeling everything beneath the flame.
Here was the truth, ugly and imperfect and a part of her: Corin was not a realist, but a coward. She’d stamped over her sister’s drawings and scorned her friends’ plans because they saw something she could never grasp. They imagined a future, while she could not even believe in one.
She understood, then, what she needed to do.
Soil eroded below her ears as Corin felt herself floating back to the surface. Briar placed the flame back inside the lantern before passing the torch to Corin, whose fingers grasped the handle byinstinct. They watched the light spread wider, like sunlight pouring from a bottle and crashing over a field. Sunflowers rose from the soil and dove their heads into an orange sky. Their roots untangled from Corin’s limbs. She shook off the vines with a strange sense of lightness in her body.
The stalks parted way for a clear path, where at the end of the field, Elly was waiting.
Corin left Briar behind and crossed the field, carrying the lantern and aching pain in her chest the entire way. Her breaths grew shaky as she drew closer to the curve of Elly’s back. Her sister sat hunched over the ground, the broken shards of the fox at her feet.
At the end of the road was just the two of them. The heavy weight of silence pressed on both their sagging shoulders until, finally, Elly spoke.
“You think I’m naive for wanting to believe in things,” she murmured. “But it’s not because I’m too young to understand how life works. I know how terrible the world is, Corin. I grew up in it, too. But I have to believe in something. Because if I don’t, what are we even living for?”
Tears spiked Elly’s lashes, gray memories flashing like nightmares. When she opened her eyes, she scrubbed the tears from her cheeks and sucked in a sharp breath, like it was the first time her lungs held air.
“I hate you, Corin. I hate you for betraying our friends. I hate that you destroy things before giving them a chance. I hate how you’re so afraid to be happy, like it’s some kind of trap.”
Corin’s knuckles turned white as her fingers curled into fists. Her tongue threatened to lash out, as it often did to bury the shame. But her eyes fell upon the flame burning inside the lantern. The lamp was too heavy in her hand, yet it had guided her down the road to Elly.
If Corin was going to say the truth, as painful as it was, she needed to say it while her sister was here.
“I hate you, too, El. You piss me off constantly. You’re annoying, and bratty, and never listen to what I say. When Ma was pregnant with you, I already knew you’d be a thorn in my side. I didn’t want you to be born, because you would be another burden for me to take care of.”
Raw emotion tumbled out from her voice, given way beneath the strain she’d harbored for years. She inhaled another shaky breath before sitting beside her sister. They didn’t look at each other. When their shoulders touched, a brush of warmth slowly filled her body.
“Then, somehow, you ended up being the best thing that happened to me. I can’t imagine life without you, El. It just—it doesn’t exist.”
Corin stared at the broken pieces of clay and felt a knot in her stomach. She would never be able to put him back together, nor would she ever be able to look away from her mistakes.
“I’m sorry I ruined everything. I thought if I always expected the worst, it would protect me. I was wrong. Harlow was a radical because she had hope. I was a coward because I couldn’t even dream it. I’ll always regret what I did. Every day, I think about how I should have died with them, because at least then, it wouldn’t hurt anymore.”
The wind whistled through the fields, rustling sunflower petals with a mourning howl. Corin took a deep breath, stilling herself before her confession.
“The only reason why I’m not dead is because of you. You are why I’m still here, El.”
Corin knew the life raft that was her sister extended beyond her mistakes from last year. Everything Corin did to keep them alive,every sacrifice she resented making, those choices had been made because Elly was there. If Corin was the darkness, Elly had been her light. Her sister was the thorn in her side that she refused to pull out.
Some pain in life was too excruciating to bear. The loss of their parents. Her betrayal to their friends. The slow death of her dreams.
And then there was some pain that made it worth staying.
The wind calmed into a gentle breeze, swaying the sunflower stalks. Somewhere in the distance, wind chimes tinkled like a childhood song. Corin could hear Elly’s heartbeats matching her own, a slow and steady drum. She did not expect her sister to forgive her. Some things could never be forgiven. So what was it that she was so desperate to have?
Spikes of hair grazed her cheek as Elly finally turned to look at her.
“I believe you,” she whispered.
Corin blinked through the burning in her eyes. She swallowed the lump in her throat while emotions surged inside her like a storm. She placed the lantern aside and crushed Elly in an embrace, holding her sister so tight their bodies could have fused together.
