Huh.
That simple.
My mom was human, after all.
I sat back, misery temporarily forgotten in the light of this new information.
“You had a crush on me,” I said, circling back. My mouth formed the words, but even hearing myself say them, they were, actually, kind of hard to believe.
“Andyouhad a crush on Simon,” Audrey continued. “So I hated him. Because he was between me and losing my virginity to an older man over the Fourth of July weekend so I could go back for senior year feeling all grown up.”
I scrunched my nose. Audrey gave me a withering look.
“Not you,” I said. “I wouldn’t have wanted to lose my virginity with me.”
“I don’t think it’s optional to be there when you lose your own virginity,” Audrey said, eyes glinting with laughter.
I waved my hand, sniffing as I tried breathing through my nose again for the first time since I’d stopped crying. “You know what I mean.”
“I do, and I don’t think you should talk about yourself like that. Especially since it sounded like you’regreatin bed.”
My cheeks flushed instantly. I’d almost forgotten about that. Or notforgotten, exactly, but...
I’d convinced myself of what Simon had said, of what Madelaine had said. That none of what happened over the weekend was reallyreal, that it wouldn’t have consequences when I went back to real life.
Except it did. It had.
“We were faking it,” I blurted out, as though that made things better. “The first time.”
Audrey nodded slowly. “The first time,” she said, pronouncing each word like she wasn’t sure how.
I wet my lips, unsure how to explain myself. I shouldn’t have been saying any of this, but I neededsomeoneto talk to.
And the person I’d normally talk to about my romantic disasters was, for reasons of my most recent romantic disaster involving him, not currently speaking to me.
Well. That wasn’t fair. It was more that I was too afraid to speak to him. That I knew hewouldspeak to me, but I was scared it wouldn’t be the same.
“We, umm. In hindsight Idoknow how insane this is going to sound, for the record,” I began, searching for the right words. “It… I kissed him. I mean, you know that, you saw, but… for real, except… he said something I took the wrong way. The way Iwantedto take it, because you’re right. I was hopelessly in love with him then, and that never changed, and I thought I had the opportunity to have what I wanted for just a little while. Notfake, but not quite… real, either. He said we’d forget about the whole weekend once we were home and I let myself believe that was true no matter what happened because I… suck as a best friend, frankly.”
Audrey nodded again. “I think I understood some of that.”
So I told her the whole story, from the beginning, in what felt like a single breath. There were tears in my eyes again by the time I was done, harsh stinging that made me wipe angrily at them, and a stone sitting in the pit of my stomach.
“Okay.” Audrey took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Wow.”
“Lucky for you,” I said, trying to force myself to smile to lighten the mood. I managed a sad little twitch of my lips before they pulled down again. “Dodged a bullet.”
“I don’t think that,” Audrey said softly. “I think anyone you loved would be lucky to have you. I think you just told me that, whether you know it or not. You love Simon. Everyone who meets you knows that.”
I swiped at my nose, sniffing back another round of tears. “How comehedoesn’t know it?”
“Because he’s not seeing you when he’s not looking, which is when you make it obvious.”
I sighed. She was right. I’d done everything I could tohidehow I felt about Simon. I’d been too afraid for him to know.
Because if heknew, and he couldn’t give me what I wanted...
He would have tried. I knew Simon, I knew he’d do anything for me. I knew he would havetriedto feel the same way, and I couldn’t handle the thought of that.
