Chapter Twenty
Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me
Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me
Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me
FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!
MOTHERFUCKER!!!!
Sully
I lay in my bunk and stare at the ceiling thinking of Kace and wondering if she is disappointed in me, or if she understands. I took a life, I get that. Maybe I should give a shit, but the details of what he did to my child…to the others? Yeah, I can’t find the guilt anywhere.
I close my eyes and remember the last time I held her. It was the night before she was taken and I was laying in bed with her watchingThe Little Mermaid. I had no idea that would be the last time it was just her and me. We sang along withSebastianas he sings to ‘Kiss the girl’. I kissed her cheek each time and relished in her laughter.
“Silly daddy.”
“Silly Kace,” I say, and kiss her nose.
“What’s your favorite color Daddy?”
I hear her voice as if she is here and the tears flow from my eyes without shame.
“You are silly. Kace Deja Sullivan will always be my favorite color.”
“Daddy is mine, too.”
She said and yawned before falling asleep without effort. I had stayed there with her head on my chest until after two in the morning when Deja woke me to come to bed. I go to this moment the most. I wonder why I stayed that night? Usually, I stayed until she slept then slipped from her room, but that night I couldn’t leave her.
I am glad I didn’t. Like so many regrets, I still wish I had stayed all night. I wish I never had that party. Wish I never left the shop. I have a lifetime full of regrets and the death of Levi Tenpenner doesn’t take the pain away as I had hoped.
I am required to face the judge tomorrow and give my plea. I am guilty of his death, but nothing else. I will plead guilty to get it all over with, but I will not fake remorse. I am facing eight to fifteen according to my new lawyer. Nobody is charging me with murder, but the debate is on involuntary manslaughter and manslaughter.
I always thought that manslaughter sounded much worse than murder in any degree, but it basically not premeditated or planned. Only Noah and Asa know I planned it a million times, but they won’t talk.
I think of Mya and her perfection and how I tainted it. Twenty-one-year-old, feisty and endearing, Mya Dorian. I took her, fucked her senseless, and tried to find happiness with her in my pain. I knew, dammit, I knew I would destroy us. If I regret anything, it is that. I separated us by killing Tenpenner and if I get eight to fifteen, I sure as fuck won’t let her wait for me.
Losing her, even in the hypothetical, forces more tears from my eyes. Maybe I am destined to lose the females I love. Maybe it’s my curse for something I unknowingly did. Deja left, Kace was taken, and now my girl Mya. If I asked her to wait for me, I know she would, and in it she would burn her life up.
I want to serve my time, pay what I owe to society, and just live quietly. I make my plans for whatever prison sentence I serve and create a list for Frank to handle after. I get no sleep, none. I sit awake all night mapping out the future of the shop, my house, and everything I leave behind. I have clients on the books and hopefully we can have Chad stay a little longer to get through. I plan everything down to a caretaker for Kace’s mausoleum. Plan it all as the sun rises, though I can’t see it.
When the guards come to get me for court, I look at my cell, nothing of value inside. It is cleaned from top to bottom; with my mattress rolled up, blanket folded, and stacked neatly at the foot of the concrete block that acts as a frame.
I turn my back and place my hands behind me in front of the folding slot on the door. The guards open it to cuff me before they open my cell. They tell me exactly what moves to make as they put chains on my ankles. “Your lawyer is bringing you a suit to wear for court. You will be with him, in custody for an hour, prior to your time slot with the judge. Any issues we will place you in a room with a camera and you will face the judge cuffed and on camera. Understand?”
I nod and tell the guard I do understand and follow the two men as they lead me to face my fate.
Can’t fight it, that’s for damn sure. Time to face my future.
I sit and listen to the DA and my lawyer battle the proof of unintentional and intentional manslaughter. They keep saying the same thing over and over, and I wonder if anyone will ask me if it was intentional.
I feel Mya’s eyes on me as she watches the two teams debate if I am the monster or if it was Tenpenner. They discuss temporary insanity.
Nope, I knew what I was doing.
They discuss any criminal background I have.
