Chapter Fifteen
Nothing you would take, everything you gave
Hold me till I die… meet you on the other side.
Mya
I wake and find it near impossible to move. I lost my virginity five short nights ago, but feel like the last three days and nights were spent breaking my virgin body in, and ensuring I am fully Sam Sullivan’s.
I don’t mind the pain. I remember every thrust, touch, tear, and scream. I recall his words from yesterday, telling me I am his favorite color. He told me once that Kace was his favorite color and always would be. I accepted it and never expected more from Sam. The minute he said those words, those five words that mean everything to me? I knew he wasn’t replacing her. He was making room in his heart for the both of us. Kace, who I never met, is the only person on this earth to know what it feels like to be loved like that. It made us kindred in a sweet, but sad way.
I look to the heavens and promise her that I will always love him and stand by him. It is just me now and I swear to her I will protect him. I feel his hands pull me against his chest, my back now flush with his body. I don’t know if he is awake yet or sleeping because he pulls me into him when he needs me- even in sleep.
“You’re warm, rainbow girl,” he says, his voice just above whisper like it always is when he wakes up. I giggle at the nickname and know it is his way of reminding me he meant what he said.
I stroke my fingers on his arm and kiss his fingers. He is delaying the inevitable today. I know he dreads what is coming. “We need to get up and get ready,” I say, careful to not upset him.
“I’ve been up for a while. I wanted to write a little something for her… I don’t know. I hate today, Pet.” He withdraws from me and rolls to sit up with his legs off the side of my bed. “I need to get to my place and get dressed.”
I nod and scoot to his side, sitting beside him as I place sweet kisses along his fully tattooed back. It would take me a lifetime to decipher every tattoo on him and the detail. “I can come with you and get ready there, or meet you there. Your call, babe.”
He needs to process this however he feels most comfortable, and if it means being alone, I defend that. The fact he wrote her something in bed beside me made me feel like a hero. For whatever reason he knew I was there for him. He looks over his shoulder and kisses my forehead as my head rests there. “With me. I need you, Pet. If you aren’t there, I’m scared I’ll chicken out like a pussy.”
His words break my heart. Not because I think they are true, but because I know he doesn’t want to bury his baby. “Then, that’s what we will do.”
I stand from the bed and we both decide to shower here. We minded ourselves and kept the shower to a PG-13 setting. I get out first, and head to my closet and start looking for the outfit I want to wear. Shoes, stockings, all the shit a girl needs as he stands naked and wet in the doorway of my walk-in watching me. “Are you wearing that under the dress?” he asks.
I look down at the lacey black lingerie and nod as I walk slowly toward him. “I can’t concentrate on anything knowing you have that on under your clothes.”
I chuckle and hug him close, loving the wet skin I embrace. “I can where my eighteen-hour bra and granny panties if it would help?”
He laughs now and shakes his head no. “No, still sexy.”
I love that he is willing to laugh and make a few simple jokes. I know he is hurting and it kills me, but if he cries, I cry. He laughs, I’m laughing with him.
Sully
We walk in a small room off the side of the funeral home where family and closest friends are gathered. Mya’s hand in mine and Cordell’s hand in Deja’s we enter the room as one. I see the pale pink flowers everywhere. So many people sent flowers. Police departments, churches, organizations for missing and exploited children, news crews and magazines.
I see a donation from the child care she attended when she was two, as well as one from Livingston Public Relations. Tayla.
There’s a huge display over her casket from My studio and Deja’s. It was probably Noah or Asa that got in touch with them to make sure the biggest display over her casket was our families.
The four of us walk to Agent Sorell and Frye, who are present in the room with their wives. Deja hugs Mark first as I take a handshake hug from Frye and a tight hug from Mark. “I want you to know I’ll still check in on you. I will never forget Kace, and maybe one day we can commemorate her on my skin.”
I am honored he wants that and find myself choked up by it. “Absolutely.”
We greet everyone in the room, Mya never leaving my side. Last, we are at my pop’s precinct and my family, as so many people tell us the impact of Kace. My pop crying undoes me, and I cry for the first time today, in his arms.
“You are my only son and not a day goes by I don’t thank the Lord for that Samuel. I love you, son. She was my sunshine, she always will be.”
I nod and hold him tighter before letting him go and catching my breath. Now, it is my people. Each of my guys hand me a small line drawing of her name. Each of them showing me where they placed her on their skin. I promise them I will make sure they are buried with her and the letters Deja and I wrote her.
“I had Chad do the art on her coffin. There are no flowers there yet. We wanted you to see it here with us before the world sees it,” Noah explains, and places his arm on my shoulder opposite Mya, who steps aside so Chad can stand on the other side of me. I appreciate it,, but want her near. “Mya-”
“I’m right here behind you, babe,” she says, knowing I need her close.
We step up to the tiny casket that no parent should ever have to buy. I notice the work immediately. It is a framed photo Kace drew me when she would hang in the shop with me. I was drawing up a tatt for a client and she imitated me the whole time. She would pause when I paused and sigh when I sighed. I had drawn a mandala, but Kace? She drew a rainbow with two puffy white clouds on each end. I remember showing De` how spot on it was for a three-year-old, but it made sense. Both her parents are artists, Deja had said before framing it for me the next day.
