Once we were old enough to drink, we saw each other at parties and fucked like rabbits... but he had changed. They were all the kings of Gig and pussy was the advantage. Our connection turned to sexual and no longer intimate. We drank we partied... One night I was so hurt and so mad at him for brushing me off for a couple of trashy Seattle girls, that looked like a whore... I ran to the beach crying and ended up fucking a drunk and high Noah.
Cal knew and I know it bothered him. That became my first addiction. Any way I could get him to remember I was his Jen, even if it meant I was a whore. I was the VIP of the fangirls and fucked him as often as I could. Tay or one of the guys would send me money to meet them in near bye cities.
Even those parties changed though. The bigger the success, the harder to please. I was old enough by then to know I liked raw dirty sex, but the shit we all did... was disgraceful.
I recall him passing me to the lead singer of the opening band one time after sending money to meet him in Oregon. Once I got there he was in bed with two chicks and trashed out of his mind. Seth from the other band asked me if I wanted to party. I agreed and we did party all night. Few whiskey and limes, few lines of coke and we didn’t stop the party until we fueled up in Idaho. After grabbing aRed Bulland someDoritosI walked outside to see the bus gone.
He had left me and when I called Cal he told me I deserved it for not realizing the tour ended at a Shell in Idaho. He told me he would help me out and bought me a bus ticket home. After the sixteen-hour drive back to gig I was nursing the worst hangover from the booze and the come down from the coke that I used the remaining cash to buy a gram just to feel nothing.
Two more years I let them use me, never believing he really didn’t care. It was all so twisted and ugly by then I couldn’t remember why I let myself fall apart for him. He asked me a few months later if I would suck Shame while he fucked me. He told me he knew it turned me on. and it did, they were so magnanimous and sexy. He said he knew it made me hot and that made him want me more. Like a dog to a bone I consented and loved every minute. Shame was so drunk he passed out on Cal's bed so we made a bed on the floor. We fucked all night, the swaying of the bus, the vibration from the motor intensified everything.
Right before we passed out after coming down from the Ex high we were both on he admitted he hated seeing my mouth on Shame. Hated knowing I had done the same with Noah, that I fucked Noah on the beach so long ago.
"Don’t fuck my friends Jen, Please?" He had asked... and that right there was when I fell too far to save myself from him.
I spiraled out of control after that. I tried hanging on to the fourteen and fifteen-year old’s that were as close as could be, but by the end when I walked off his bus for good... I didn’t recognize either of us anymore.
Once I got home I never went back to TAT. I forgot they existed. I gave birth to Axe and when I had free time and a sitter I partied on other busses, sometimes too close to them in hopes he would find me and I could tell him about Axe.
It was all a lame fantasy. By then he was with Tayla and nobody else. The night I found out he was in love with her was through mutual friends of our that told us he was desperate to win her back. Swore he had changed and stopped womanizing and partying for her.
It crushed me because I never stood a chance. I threw my life away chasing him like a desperate fool and he never knew the depth of my love. Those sweet moments when nobody was around and he would tell me to not go for his friends or that I was beautiful or he missed me and would tell me not to wait so long to come back...
It was all bullshit because he loved someone else. I was cold comfort, an ole' factory memory that made him feel special and cared for. I was that one girl from high school who loved him enough to give her virginity to him. I was a warm memory and she was the fire.
She ended up with the best Cal. I had the innocent, I tried capturing the wreck he became and she got the man and she threw him away never knowing how hard he truly did fight for her. He thinks I don’t know, but I do. I know it all because even if I wasn’t there, my best friend was. It was only Noah who partied and tried to tarnish everything good inside him and die, while the rest were settled down. Noah talked a lot when he came to Skin high. He bitched nonstop about Tayla and told me how much Cal changed for her.
It broke my heart to know I failed, but I was comforted knowing he was happy and Axe was safe.
Noah was the reward for my suffering for Cal. I just didn’t know it yet. Over the last few years Noah talks to me about those days. What we did, or what I did with all of them. He knows why I got lost and knew I would never step foot on a bus again.
In all the talks and time spent helping each other he told me stories about Cal and how he fought for her. He told me how she was angry and forceful when she brought Bright on. He knew everything and confided it to me. I know he fought for her and it might be selfish but I don’t care. I deserve to be fought for too.
That is what I need to hash out before I will cave.
Too many memories have floated to the surface and I don’t know how to tell him it all... or if I ever can.
Hashing it out and baring my soul isn’t fair when he won’t budge an inch. I need the fight, I need to feel his true self. I see mine in all these journals and I know that to save face and still show him my heart, bare and bleeding...it is all right here.
I gather up the journals that are the most telling and put them in the bag I packed. I am with Cal and Axe the next three days while Cal does his interview with Sound Logic and I will let him see what he fails to the only way I can and still keep my dignity.
