Poor guy can’t handle this darkness sometimes.
Noah explains what happened and I feel my stomach drop. "What?" I ask, queasy and ready to explode. "They did what?"
"Yeah..." He looks at me with drawn brows and confusion. "What did she tell you?" There is guilt in his tone and I know he feels like he just betrayed Jen.
"That she was looking to score drugs, no money and the four took her to a room and took turns threatening to kill Axe if she didn’t comply. I didn’t even know it could get worse, so please continue."
He shakes his head no. "Not a shot in hell. You heard enough and even that makes me feel like shit."
"So, what you’ll feel free to tell Chad all willy-nilly, but not me because she's mine?" I roar and kick the chair I was sitting in until it rolled and hit the catch before knocking over. "I can’t take this shit anymore. Her reasons... everything revolves around this shit."
"Think if it was Mya, Cal. Say these four dudes hurt her instead. Would you be content with someone else telling her story? Even in an accidental way?" Noah asks and the minute he brought my little sister into I knew he was right.
"I hate this." I say and lean forward, elbows on my knees and my hands in my hair.
"Then have a voice in it, don’t panic and flip out. Stay strong, show her you’re not running and demand answers. Not in a dick way like you’re doing now, but tell her you need to know because like it or not it is a part of her now."
"And if she refuses when I do?" I ask Chad, and fuck I want to heed his advice because he lives this shit every day.
"Make it clear you don’t need the gory details, and trust me man, you don’t. But you need to know the pain, the brutality." He grabs another beer and looks at me. "I told Carrie, right after our first time together that as much as I loved being with her, it was strange because her dad was in the room."
"What?" Noah yells and Chad calms him immediately.
"Look I get it its Carrie and that’s gross, but remember that night she was freaked on what got her turned on?" I can sense he is masking the truth to protect his wife, but also his nutsack. "She wouldn’t tell me why she flipped out, but that she referenced her 'experience' a few times. I told her that she needed to come clean at some point because fucking with him in the room was hurting us both."
"I do remember that now." Noah says and cringes. "She thought she was a sadist for liking it rough." He laughs and Chad glares at him.
"Come on man." He says all offended and Noah flips him off.
"Calm down GQ, the point was that it wasn’t about Cody. She needed a strong partner and never knew she did."
"So how do I demand it without being a dick?" I ask. I mean, demand in general is forceful.
"This isn’t going to work if I can’t understand." Chad says and yeah, sounds good but I am not suave like God's gift over here.
"She is so jittery right now, I am terrified to rock the boat. It sucks not knowing what she went through so I can help."
"Even with a play by play, you will never know because you weren’t raped. More importantly, you don’t want to know Cal. In Jens, it’s a damn nightmare and brutal isn’t a strong enough words. She isn’t healed yet, hasn’t scratched the surface and she won’t until she believes it wasn’t her fault. She won’t heal until then. That’s where you attack. Remind her every time she doubts, even the smallest thing, remind her she is strong." Noah has a knowledge that will open your mind in a way that only makes sense to the one supporting the injured. His advice is intense, and so very true.
"She blames herself for looking for the drugs. She doesn’t think she got more than she bargained for, but that she deserved it."
The thought is repulsive. No matter her worst moment, there is no blame there. They might have damaged her body, but they wrecked her soul.
"Blame is a tricky bitch and it changes depending on the situation at hand. Carrie sometimes looks at Noelle or Bowie and blames Cody one-hundred percent because he is simply evil. Other times though..." He shakes his head and looks at Noah for a minute. "Other times she blames herself. It was really bad after Candey died and Noah, well, he died for a while too. In all of that she blamed herself for not falling to his submission and allowing it."
Bile rises inside me and I can’t contain it as I rush to the bathroom and vomit, the topic too much for me at this point. The guys know that when I get in the room and am pale as a ghost and sweating like a pig.
"That’s normal too, you’ll always get sick and just gotta not let them know. Here though, let it out to us. We got you." Chad says and grips my shoulder in understanding.
"Am I strong enough?" I ask them both. "I mean I hid and threw money at the problem with Cass. I checked on Carrie but it was after days of trying to stomach everything when we learned the whole story... this is little man's mom. I gotta be strong for both?"
Cal, you already are. I assure you." Noah says and Chad agrees putting his knuckles out for a pound.
"I don’t think I can stay on this topic much more." I admit and for now I want to bury it and pretend it’s not real while I catch my breath.
"More than okay." Noah says with a sigh of relief and pulls out a joint. That we all agree on.
"Puff, puff, give. Mother Fucker."
