I shrugged and let out a deep breath, taking a seat at the table.“We still have a lot to work out, but we both agree that being apart isn’t an option.”
“Together is how you guys should have always been. It doesn’t matter the reasons for why you left or why she rushed to move on.” Candey said, standing and dropping a kiss on Noah’s head. “What matters is how you're together now Shame.” She slipped her coat on and Noah stood, most likely to walk her to her car. There was an unspoken bond and deal between these girls that Cass wasn’t alone often. It was amazing the way they made it seem coincidental when it was all thought out. She left on her own, but one of them would soon follow.
“Shame, you coming to our place tonight?” Candey asked, looking at me then Noah. I knew why she was asking.
“Yeah… that okay?”
She was nodding.“Of course. I figured you wouldn’t want to be at home tonight.”
That right there is why these people are my family. They fucking get it even when you don’t say it. “Yeah.”
Candey turned and straddled Noah over the front of his chair.“That means I’m coming to your place.” She kissed him, biting his lower lip, forcing most of us to look away from the display.
“We need to get home to the sitter.” Carrie said, standing and tugging at Chad’s hand.
“I am hitting the ‘rents tonight.” Cal said, not bothering to see the look of hurt on Tayla. Something, I didn’t know what, but something was there.
“Can I have a few with you guys before you all leave?” I ask the guys. Carrie and Candey both make their way out the door, with Roni and Mike following them. Tayla was getting ready to leave to; her dagger glare was noticed by all of us except the one she was glaring at. Cal, unaware sat flicking a guitar pick between his fingers. “Need me?” Tayla asked, hiding her frustration. Seriously, what the fuck was going on?
“Yeah, this involves everyone.”
When it was just TAT at the table and Howie and his employees cleaning up after the night I decided it was time to talk to my band and let them know where my head was. I had talked to Noah, I knew I wasn’t leaving them.
I couldn’t.
“So what’s up?” Cal asks, dropping the guitar pick. You could feel the excitement coming off of him. He probably hadn’t slept since I said I was leaving the band. He was like an adolescent in so many ways when the band was concerned. Success was a drug to him. Even with what he had said earlier, I still think Cal would have driven us just as hard. We all sacrificed to be where we are today, even Cal.
“Me and TAT are one and you guys are TAT. I can’t imagine my life being anything different than it is. The one thing that had been missing is with me now. There isn’t a point in lying and saying that this shit didn’t kill me. As betrayals go, you guys owned it, but I understand why you did.”
I’m not an emotional guy, but as far as heartfelt speeches go I feel like I nailed it. Noah cleared his throat and nodded. “It was never about betrayal so much as protecting the things that mattered. We had to protect TAT, we had to protect Cass.”
I cup my hands over my face and groan because I don’t want to hash this shit out with Noah again. Chad, Cal, even Tay, I’m good to go the rounds, but Noah was hard to argue with, especially with fucked up shit like this. He knew the dark, he was its best fucking friend. “I know.”
“You don’t though…” Noah said and sighed. “Maybe that’s what we fucked up all along. She was destroyed Shame, that fucker destroyed her. You destroy something there is no coming back, it’s ruined. Broken shit can be fixed and the only solace we could give her was a promise to keep it as quiet as we could.”
“What was it…” I stopped before the question could come out of my mouth, knowing if I asked it and got the answer I would never be able to take it back… I didn’t know if I would ever be ready to know the answer.
Noah drilled his stare into me like blades of ice I felt in my chest.“Do not ask it, don’t even think about it Shame. She sure as fuck can’t un-live that nightmare and we can’t un-know what we know. Be glad we bear the burden of it for you.”
Whatever she went through was something Noah took into himself, into his and Carries past. He could feel whatever Cass had been through like his own scars.“You’re the one whose ‘strong as fuck’ Noah.” I used his catch phrase he was known for but kept going. “You know that right? The way you take this shit in and still survive?” I had no clue where this deep, meaningful shit was coming from because it wasn’t my style, but it was like fucking emotional word vomit I couldn’t control. “I know damn well, none of us have what it takes to live in a world like that and I don’t think we could deal.”
“You would. You learn to adapt to the bad and grab your happiness where you can and let it ride. You don’t…” He shrugged and stood. “You don’t and you fade away and die bro.” I knew how close to that edge Noah danced and feared he was on that edge right now. He never took that fated step, but he walked it I knew. I knew because he didn’t stay, like usual when Noah touched on something too cold and too deep for any one word to explain, he bailed. Noah just walked out of Howies' off to his own peace…. Candey.
We all let him go… nobody knew what to say or do when Noah went black, not dark but black so we let him go knowing Noah knew how to handle the black. Darkness of his magnitude would kill the rest of us and I believed it. It took a certain kind of soul to live through it. Knowing that shit touched my girl made it hard to breathe. No, it was a soul meant to carry a burden. Some couldn’t and I knew I was one of them.
“I’m gonna go love my girls.” Chad said and stood, pulling me in for a man hug that was both welcome and uncomfortable. “Sorry about your dad. Jerry rocked Shame, but at least in his death, it got you and Cassa talkin’ again and Jerry would have liked that.”
Yeah, he would have.
I gave him my, thanks for coming speech, I had given a thousand times already today, but at least I meant it this time. My boys were there at my back in case I needed them and that meant the world.
“I don’t know the whole story, just bits and pieces from over the last year, but I’m glad Cassa has you now Shame.” Tayla hugged me close and kissed my cheek, causing Cal to grind his teeth.
“Okay, fuck it, it’s just us here what the fuck is up with you two? And if you say nothing I’ll spit nails because I’m done with the secrets lately.” Maybe it was because of the secrets lately, maybe it was because my emotions were on overdrive for a testosterone driven dude, but just the same they were freaking me the fuck out.
“Nothing.” Tayla said and the tone of her voice made my nuts cringe in fear. Whatever Cal did was bad. “Well, we fucked a few months back… and then again last night for good measure.”
Oh shit.
