I walked up the small stone trail to Jerry’s front door and knocked on the door but there was no answer, so I tried the doorbell.
No answer.
I looked at my watch, it was two in the afternoon, where the fuck did he go now? I took the keys from my pocket, keys I swiped form Cassa’s key ring knowing damn well I would break the fuck in if he didn’t agree to talk to me. I was…a natural if I do say so myself, at getting to the point. If it meant there was kicking and screaming then so be it.
I walked in and shut the door behind me before making my way down the hall. As I headed for the bathroom I heard someone, namely Shame playing a song I recognized but not one of ours. I knew it was Shame because it wasn’t that awesome of playing. I was awesome…just saying.
I stood on the outside of his bedroom door and listened while he strummed his acoustic pausing when I heard his voice.
Shame’s voice was undeniable and easy to recognize. He had the voice of a tenor and us guys had asked numerous times for him to sing on an album. Of course he always said no claiming that Adam Levine did a fine job creating hits as a tenor so the world didn’t need another. Hearing him singing now, I would be sure to revisit and revise that subject when his emotions weren’t in an uproar.
The fucker could sing.
I knew by the lyrics alone and the pain in his voice that the moment was fragile and I was being an intrusive ass by listening but I just had to see him, had to see his face to know he was OK. Carrie and me didn’t have family accept for Seth and Lilly and it was strained anyway. We relied on each other our whole lives until we both were brought into the TAT world. Now seeing these guys hurting made me as crazy as Carrie or Candey hurting did. I couldn’t take it and wanted to fix it.
I couldn’t fix this shit though. This was time and only time.
So I would wait here, let him work it out but I sure as fuck wasn’t leaving either. Shame was so closed off emotionally that knowing he was dying inside right now, man I couldn’t leave him hanging. I came around the corner and saw that his back was to me, the black acoustic in his lap. He wore a black bandana on his head and looked like the boy who was pumped about bringing me in for base so many years ago.
I watched his back tighten and release with each strum, the thermal shirt he wore beneath hisRamonesT shirt shifting slightly. I watched his hands as they shifted, his fingers dancing over the strings letting the tune take him over, something I understood perfectly. He sang the words with conviction, his voice attaching and adapting perfectly, filled with sorrow and anger, he strummed as the melody played for his pain.
It had been so long since I had seen him play I forgot how good he was. He was way better at the drums,giftedwith the drums, but the guitar was made to work through a mood. The song was so fitting to him. How Jerry would have loved this sound, to see this talent so raw and open. Fuck, I had to fight back the tears, Shame was making me a pussy right now. Each verse was like a dagger to the chest. His pain was so deep, his father gone so the boy sings to kill the pain. It was beautiful and something I could never understand. I hated my fucking dad. I knew he was singing for Jerry though.
Disarm you with a smile,
Leave you like you left me here,
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
His voice roared in pain as he went into the chorus; his hand coming off the arm of the guitar to wipe at his face. Were they tears he was shedding? The chords cried from the guitar as he belted the lyrics as if they were his life force, keeping him alive he went on through his anguish.
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
What I choose is my voice
What’s a boy supposed to do
The killer in me is the Killer in you
My love
I'll send this smile over to you
I watched and listened not fearing my presence being known. I wanted him to see me and ask me to stay. Shame was alone and it was clear as day he felt it. Fuck I wasn’t big on guilt but I was feeling it now. We had all fucked his world up at the worst possible time of his life.
I watched as he pinched and slid on the keys as the song came to an end. I looked at his room it was the same as when he lived there. The posters and concert tickets covering the walls, and in the corner where he left them were all the pictures of him and Cassa. He stopped playing and I tried to back out of the doorway but the floor creaked and Shamus spun.
Busted.
"Hey man.” I said and felt like a complete dick. I saw his eyes were red and his cheeks flushed. It was from tears. I didn’t want to make the moment worse so without another word I turned to leave. I was dead wrong for staying and felt like a complete fucker.
"Wait." he said his voice cracking. He shifted on the bed and set the guitar down, leaning it against the wall.
"I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I rang the bell and knocked and didn’t think you were home." I stepped into the room and stood at the foot of the bed.
