Nickleback's 'Never Again'started and I followed every note to a ‘T’. I listened to the words as it played, not such a fast song but the drums in the song had me busy and able to follow. By the third song I was in my zone.Blue Octoberwas up next, a newer song called‘Bleed out’I needed the slow to fast. I needed to feel myself bleed out so I could get through this. Once the song picked up, I followed the beat singing along thinking of her dying. Seeing my father going into the light to find my mom. I saw her face tonight as she handed me that letter. I felt the concrete of her balcony on my knees as I dropped at her feet holding her close. I saw her face as I walked out the door, telling me she was gone.
It was being in my dads house today at first with Cassa. I had loved watching her fight the draw to me, I thought it was cute that I still drew her in, but I saw the fear come into her eyes so fast and knew even if I didn’t want to admit it, I knew there was more to the story.
I relived the moment when everyone showed up and all the secrets unfolded before me like a God damned joke. Seeing the look in my friends, my family, all I had left- looking at me with sympathy and guilt. All the lies, all the secrets shattering everything in me. I was overwhelmed with anger and pain from it all, and oddly enough, a little pride. Pride that while I was busy pinning for her, wishing like hell I could take my leaving back, they had been there all along trying to help her.
Like it had never left the rage was back and I ripped the earphones from my ears and let them fall. I was on my own now and whatever tune I was hearing was working because I saw Tate lean over and flip the‘recording’ light that stopped anyone from entering the room while I played. Good I wanted to be alone.
I don’t know how long I was in there, how long I went playing songs that had no words, no rhythm. I was drenched in sweat from the exertion but couldn’t stop. All the pain, it came out then and there and I would go until I had nothing left. My eyes were closed, there was no smile on my face. I was lost in the work and paying no attention as the room filled with the rest of my band.
By the time I stopped and opened my eyes, the rage was back and with a vengeance when I saw Chad, Cal and Noah all standing stoic with their arms folded over their chests. They could have been there hours or minutes.
I didn’t know.
I didn’t care.
I wanted them the fuck out of here.
My eyes fell to Noah, Noah who had tatted my girl, had listened to her story and watched her try to heal. I saw then and there in Noah’s eyes; the fear of what they had done to me, what they had hidden. I saw the regret and the apology.
What I saw that mattered the most, was they were all there and ready to accept whatever fate I gave them I just wished like hell I knew what it was.
*
Shamus
“What?” I asked breathless as the tremors start. I must have been going at it for a while because my arms were rubber and shaking. I didn’t want to have this talk, I didn’t know if I was ready to look them all in the face and tell them to fuck off. My moms lesson with the toothpaste came back. “If you’re here to tell me your sorry or that you had your reasons you can save it. I cant stand the sight of you guys right now and that’s fucking eating me, so do me a favor. Turn and get the fuck out and we will deal with this tomorrow.”
Harsh much? Sure…did I care? Fuck no I didn’t.
“It is tomorrowdumb-ass.” Cal said and took a seat by the window that separated the recording room from the production room. “We have been all over the damn place for the last seven hours looking for your pissed off ass when Tate called and said you had touched on something amazing and we better head down here.”
I tossed my sticks to the stool behind my drums and reached for a water and a towel. “Well you are all wasting your time because I have nothing to say.”
Noah stepped forward then and just the movement had me ready to pounce. “Back the fuck up Beckett.” I snarled. I didn’t recognize the guy I was then, anger had consumed me and that was that.
“I wont. You wanna hit me have at it dude, but you need to deal and then fucking calm down. Go fuck a groupie or ten and reel it all the fuck in.” Noah was about as straight forward as they could get but he was wading in very crucial waters here.
I stepped forward until we were toe to toe. “Don’t ask me that againdude, you may not like the outcome.”
“Shame you need to hear us out-“
I cut Chad off before he could finish.“I don’t need to hear anymore I fucking assure you I have heard enough. Why the fuck are you guys here anyway?” I dropped the towel to my feet, my eyes never leaving Noah’s even as I spoke with Chad.
“Jesus Shame!” Cal roared shocking me because the guy very rarely lost his cool. He was by far the most even keeled of us all. Only one other time had I seen him this heated and it was Carrie getting the wrath. I remembered going out to talk to her in her car after she stormed out after fighting with Cal. We were just starting out and she had come to the Seattle show looking for Chad. I went out to the car trying to reason with her over the argument. They had been broken up because of Chads kind of infidelity. “You act like we did it intentionally with the sole purpose of hurting you.”
“You did it knowing damn well what would happen if I found out and that’s all that matters.” My eyes were on Chad now, then to Noah and I laughed in disbelief of how bad things really were. “You two crossed a line with me. The way you fought over Carrie and keeping her safe, the fucking beasts that beat down a single woman's door and you both knew the fucking beast beating on my girl. You didn’t stop and think for one split fucking second that I had the right to know?”
“You didn’t have the right.” Chad said stepping to Noah’s side, fucking brothers in defiance the two of them.
I scoff and roll my eyes like a petulant teenage girl.“I love her and always have. Fuck you I had every right!”
“Then why leave?” Cal asked and I swear to God he stood by them leaving me on my side alone.
I threw my arms up in frustration and turned my back to walk back to my drums.“None of your business. That shit is my cross to bear.” I wasn’t about to go down in those flames tonight. The old man made his point, he had me tucking my tail and running away but it was me that stayed away.
“Well Shame will tell me when he’s ready as for now, maybe you guys should give us some time to talk in private.”
I looked up, my stomach, my heart and my nuts all dropping when I heard my girl at the door. Cassa was standing there in all her beauty and pain, Tate behind her obviously being the one who let her in.“Sassy…” I didn’t have words. Fuck I am such a pussy when it comes to this woman, because damn I go from fury to gentle in seconds.
