I hated the tremor that raced over my body from the cold. Shame was up and off his knees in an instant and I felt the cold once his body pulled away from mine. “You’re cold.” He wasn’t asking me as he warmed his hands up and down my arms.
I followed Shamus when he took my hand in his. We walked inside and he led us to the couch where he leaned back and pulled me against him, my back to his front. He cradled me close, his arms holding me tight. We sat there quietly for what felt like hours, and when I looked at the clock I realized it had been and was getting dark outside. The time with him was like heaven, so special and freeing. I always thought if this day came and Shamus learned the truth that he would hate me.
He did the opposite though.
He kissed my scars.
“Let me up babe.” He whispered and I leaned forward, watching as he walked to my bookcase and moved it away from the fireplace. Panic, the little thief, waltzed in and stole my comfort. "What are you doing Shamus?" I cried out in shock rushing over to stop him.
"Putting an end to this nonsense Sassy. You can’t live in fear like this." He said before gently nudging me out of the way and finished moving the shelf. He bent down and laughed. On the tiled pit floor sat a bundle of wood. He picked it up and looked at me with a smile. "How old is this wood?"
I laughed because it felt good knowing he would not handle me with kitten gloves. Right now he was teasing me like he always did and it was normal. I desperately craved normal. "We used to have fires when I first moved in. Then one night I had a nightmare that Cory had gotten in the house, by the fire place." I laughed nervously realizing how ridiculous I sounded. "It scared the hell out of me."
He bent down and looked up the shoot and laughed again. "Cassa it’s about a foot wide up here, unless Corey is the size of a twelve year old girl and he could be I haven’t had the pleasure of breaking his face, he wouldn’t fit in here."
"Stop Shame it was a scary dream."
“But realistically you know it’s not possible right?” He laughed when I went to smack his chest but he jumped back. I hadn’t laughed at myself in a long time and I wanted to bask in the feeling it gave me. Playfully I reached for the firewood debating if I should open the shoot and have a nice fire, when he grabbed me by the hips and spun us until we were face to face.
I didn’t have time to gasp in surprise when he slanted his perfect lips over mine and kissed me. All the sorrow and fear washed away the moment our lips touched. I wanted it to last, wanted to live in that kiss but the reality of our lives now made it impossible. Shamus was taken and not mine any longer. Images of the rude blonde bimbo from last night popped in my head forcing me to back off.
He moaned at my retreat and I hated him all over again. I didn’t flinch with Shame. I flinched with everyone and he can just grab me and swoop in with his swagger and know all making me melt. Not flinch.
Doing this with another woman waiting for him at home.
I had become many things since the last time I saw Shamus, I was a victim, a liar and a coward…I wasn’t the other woman though. I was a survivor dammit! He used the pad of his thumb and brushed it across his bottom lip and looked at me confused. "Why did you stop me Cass?"
I rubbed my hands nervously against my thighs. "You have a girlfriend Shamus. I met her last night remember? She was the dumb one who laughed like a chimp on crack."
Shamus laughed and shook his head no. "You think Britt's my girlfriend?"
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. "Oh please Shame, I was being respectful. She’s a bed warmer."
"I hate to admit it but yeah. I don’t even know their names. All of them were distractions until I could be back where I belong and that’s here with you."
I needed therapy because somewhere in that fucked up response he had me melting.
"Shamus, that’s not a compliment." I was disgusted by his truth even if touched by it just the same. I made my way to the kitchen, the fun playful moment by the fireplace gone.
I reached for a bottle of wine and a glass from the rack on the counter. His brows were scrunched together and his perfectly defined jaw was set. "Jesus who are you Cassa? Since when do you drink wine? You fucking hate wine." Shamus came up behind me, his words were harsh and he took the bottle from my hand. Before he could put the action to better use he stepped back. "Sorry, you probably like wine now." He ran his hands over his head in obvious frustration. "I have no right to tell you what you like or not."
I set the empty wine glass down. "Your right though, I don’t like wine all the time, it's more of occasional thing for me."
Liar.
I hated wine because it was bitter and pretentious sure, but also because it like so many things, was forced on me.
"Then why do you drink it?" He stepped forward and placed his hand on the counter below mine. "I hate seeing this fake image of you. You’re like a mirage, everyone wants to believe so badly, believe that you are fine considering, but honestly I'm not buying it."
"Don’t you see Shamus I don’t know who I am anymore, things feel right for a minute but then I forget to do what I was told, what was drilled into me. I can’t drink beer because I don’t remember what beer I like, I can’t free my fireplace because what if he finds a way to get me, and I can’t sleep with you because you will leave Shamus, and I don’t have it in me to pick myself up off the floor anymore. This is how I function now, its how I survive." Erratic and panicking I stormed into the living room and pushed my body against the book shelf trying desperately to cover the fire place. I was furious with Shamus, furious with Cory and the fact that Jerry was dead and everything was changing. “This is safe Shamus! It is order and reliable and it helps me think. I am not Sassy anymore. I am Cassa Rae Noxx and I am so fucked up. You cant come back and be you and pushy and all “I know the real you” because it fucks with my head. This is my fate and I bear the cross of my lies and my choices every day like a fucking weight Shame!”
I was screaming and pressing my body against the bookcase. It wasn’t budging and it was seriously igniting a mixture of rage, shame and fear.
"Cassa stop this!" Shamus tried to pull me from the shelf. I fought him, completely lost in a state of fury. "Cassa stop and look at me." He grabbed my arms and pulled me close. "Cassa I won’t leave I swear I will stay here until you are certain you feel safe."
I stopped pushing on the shelf and turned my anger on him.“Oh fuck off Shamus. Do you have any idea what this is like for me? You left me here to go fuck around in Hollywood with nothing more than a cloud of exhaust in your wake!” I stepped past him and went to the kitchen rummaging through the cupboards looking for my hidden stash of hard liquor. “Jesus, I mean, I’m so fucking sorry that Jerry died Shame, but do you know what this is like for me seeing you again? I did everything to keep from you ever finding out about any of this. I’m humiliated!” I screamed before pouring a shot of Tequila and slamming it back with a cringe and a curse.
Shamus rubbed his hands over his face with a groan of frustration. “Cassa I am fucking trying here, I am. I am just now learning all the bullshit that not only you buteveryone, including my dad, kept from me. I want to help you out and try my best to make it right.” He dropped his arms at his sides in angry defeat. “I feel responsible for this fucking snowball Cassa!”
