That thought hurts though.
I look at her with an obvious duh, "We never got past trust Jen. The kids talk wasn't in the cards jackass."
She doesn’t say anything to that but I can feel her tension and she wants so bad to talk about it. "Just ask me whatever the hell you're twisted up with." I roll the window down and light a camel. "Driving me damn insane wanting to poke at the wound."
She looks at me and rolls her eyes. "Well, you come home after an obviously wicked day and act like you didn't bare your soul, banish a demon and save yourself all in a day."
I look at her with a smile. "That was deep Jen, how long you been sitting on that thought?"
"Stop teasing me and answer me!" She laughs and pulls into Gig Harbor.
"It sucks, obviously." I shrug and take a drag of my smoke, willing the true pain I feel to just stay at bay a little longer. "I'm sure I'll see her after the break, she won't quit, God knows I've pushed her harder and she stood standing." I see her face as I shut my eyes and can't deny that pain that comes from losing. It was the risk I took though, and I guess I survived it. "I'll figure it out then." I say and hide the pain that grows with every second.
She looks like she wants to tell me something, but I am too lost to push it out of her tonight and we are pulling in to Carries. I flick my smoke out the window and dial Chad to let them know I'm home, but Carrie came running out before I could hit call.
I feel it well inside of me the minute I see her and slide from the passenger seat. "Hey sissy." I say and take her into my arms and hold her. Knowing she's about to bring more love into our lives warms me in a way I can't explain. I keep holding her close and feel tears burn behind my lashes, and the damn I have been holding is starting to fall apart. She senses my pain though, and I see her look to the open door where Jen is sitting, not Bright.
"Hey Carrie…" Jen says leaving the greeting open and I need my sister to not be a shit right now, because I need her, I need them both. So much. I didn't know until the minute I saw her that this was where I needed to be.
"Hey Jen…" She replied and pulled back enough to see my face and the wetness under my lashes, to know that right now, this instant, I am breaking.
She buries her face against my chest and turns me, hiding me,knowingI need her to hide me. This is raw and private and she knows me. She whispers something I can't hear to Jen, and I hear the engine cut and Jen walks to where Chad is standing at the front door. He hugs Jen and takes her inside, leaving me to crumble with the only one who can hold me up right now.
"I have you Noah. I won't let go I promise." She says in a fierce and unwavering tone that brings me peace, but to pieces.
"She didn't trust me…" I choke on the words that are the truth.
"Shh, now." She says and rubs my back. "What happened?"
"I asked her to trust me, and she wouldn’t." I say and pull back, letting her see me at my worst for the first time in our lives. I have hidden so much of my pain and sorrow and hate from her, but here and now I let her see me, all of me.
Her hands go to her mouth when she sees the real me, my soul and all its scars. Like a fucking suit of regret, one I hide from everyone, but Shamus. She cries as she takes in my slumped shoulders, dark rings under my eyes, tears on my cheeks and red rimmed eyes. I am still under the hood, still protected in the only cover I can give myself. I am almost twenty-eight and she sees me for the first time.
I don't hide my tears, or the fact I am coming undone, stitch and seam, by stitch and seam. "Do you see now, why I hide pain from you? From everyone? I am not strong sissy. I am not a special kind of amazing. I am ruined."
She shakes her head no, holds her own tears at bay, and it is remarkable how our roles have reversed. She steps close to me, hands so slowly pulling the hood of my jacket back, so she can see my whole face.
Her thumbs swipe the tears from my cheeks, one hand rubs my shoulder in comfort. "I see you bubba. I always see you, even in hiding. I have watched you in restless sleep after Candey died. I have watched you stumble from one bar to the next and puking along the way. I saw you cry and rage, time and time again. I have watched you think, in some of your darkest times when you thought I wasn't looking. Sitting on the bay, by the boathouse looking out to nothing hoping for something. I will always see you."
I shut my eyes and go to my knees, gripping her waist and holding on to her. "I have been on your side since I took my first breath Noah. I sure as fuck was going to be there if you took your last, and even then I was willing to barter the devil to get you back."
"I bartered the devil our whole life to try and save you, all while you were trying to save me." I say, and look to her as I sit weak and… fuck sad. I am fucking sad and it sucks.
"You and I both won." She says. "We will always win. In the dark, in death, in blood and bone. You taught me that. You taught me to trust and to believe in the good." She falls to her knees now, before me and cups my chin so I see her. "When I saw you fall in the worst ways, Noah I always saw you get back up. Every time. Dad, Candey, drugs and just the darkness we both carry, you fight it back and beat it every day."
I shut my eyes and cry, feeling like a helpless fool. "Look at me bubba."
I do and she smiles, so sweet my little Carrie. "So I will carry you today. I will hold you up because I am as strong as you. When I was too weak to take anymore you held me up until I was back."
She pulls her phone out and texts Chad and I snort, stuck in that part of desperation where you know you'll get through but it fucking hurts too much to accept just yet? That was where I snort in laughter through tears.
"Well," She laughs and stands up, brushing her knees off. "I am too littleandknocked up so technically Chad needs to do the heavy lifting."
"I can walk…" I say and stand when she grabs my hand in hers.
"I know, but let us walk with you bubba."
I nod as Chad and Jenny both come to where we are standing, the door to the Escalade still open, the light enough to let me see her face. "I love you." I tell her and ruffle her hair because she hates it.
"Let's get inside before it starts raining." Chad says and clasps my arm, lifting it over his shoulder. Carrie is still stuck to me on my other side, my only free hand I hold out to Jen, who looks at it and holds it tight as we walk into the house.
