"Okay so the one thing to remember with Noah, is that he is loyal and he didn't just stop loving you because you hurt him." I sniff and cry harder because I hope she is right. "He is right though Bright. You don't trust him to do the right thing. Even now, you're freaking out that he is too unstable to do what he is doing, when I think it's about damn time."
I deserve her frustration, I do and so I accept it. "I know Jenny. I don't know how to not let that fear in though. I am so scared that I will fail and he will go back to that life."
"Sweetie, Noah is clean and sober because he wants to be. He took the pain and the regrets and the suffering and let it to the surface and fought through his therapy and came out the other side better for it and more accepting. His biggest frustration is that he is now perceived as weak."
She sighs and I can hear the frustration in her voice. I don't know if it is for me, or for his support system, or for all of us.
"Look Bright. I am only telling you this because I think you are exactly what Noah needs, but there is a point you do have to chose if he is what you need. If so then trust him, trust in him and have his back. Otherwise be his sponsor, help him get through this tour and say goodbye at the end."
"I do trust him Jenny. I had a lot of time to think after he left and my fear was that he is done with me. I am not scared of him using or doing something to get hurt. I am terrified of losing him." I try to catch my breath because I am sobbing. "I have never been in love before and I got scared Jen, I panicked!" I am almost hysteric now and hate the feeling of loss, so profound in my chest. "I am so sorry."
"Because I believe you I am telling you this to do with it what you will." I hear her voice drop before hearing a door close. "Sorry I was with Sully last night and he is passed out on my couch so I had to get quiet."
She says and I wonder if they hooked up but say nothing because I have my own love life to deal with. "We didn't do anything, Jesus!" She says and I wonder if I was thinking out loud. Before I can ask she explains.
"yesterday was a hard day for him. It was an anniversary of sorts so he needed a safe place after he got shitty wasted."
I smile sadly. "Jen, I wasn't judging you. The thought crossed my mind but it isn't my place or business."
"Well you're one of the few who don't judge me and I appreciate it."
"What do I do Jenny?" I ask and it hurts like hell to think that this is it. Poof! He's gone.
"Noah is about to land here in Tacoma within the hour, and I am on my way to pick him up. He is just as hurt and broken. Now, what you need to decide is what you'll do with that info."
I knew exactly what she was saying and told her thank you and dialed Raleigh, who God bless him, had been with me most of the day.
"How you doing baby girl?" He asks and I hear him stifle a yawn. It's after midnight and I feel awful.
"Ral, I'm so sorry to wake you." I rush the words out as I grab my suitcases, not emptied yet. "I need you to get up and start packing because we are flying to Washington tomorrow
"Oh no, you have lost it haven't you Bright? Honey if I have said it, its because I've done it a million times before I learned. Stalking is bad B."
I laugh for a few reasons but mainly because he is a bit of an obsessed ex when he gets dumped but also because he thinks I'm that dumb. "Jesus Ral, no I'm not going to stalk him- " I stop when I think that yeah, this is kinda psycho. "Okay maybe a little. Look I just called Jen freaking out because I didn't know where he was and she told me and I quote'Noah is about to land here in Tacoma within the hour, and I am on my way to pick him up. He is just as hurt and broken. Now, what you need to decide is what you'll to do with that info.'So get up and get dressed because we are going."
"Bright… Are you sure? What about the Brew?" I think on it for a moment and he has a great point, but I need him with me for this.
"Ral, it'll be here when we get back. I haven't ever been in love before but I can't stomach just walking away. I need to fight for him regardless if he keeps me or not and I need you there in case it’s a not."
"He needs to fight for you too. He could have told you-"
I cut him off. "Ral, he was testing me. Yes it is fucked up in a major way but I know why he did it, I get it and it doesn’t matter to me."
He sighs and I hear him roll from the bed. "Fine. I will come as back up and drive the getaway car if you end up a broken hot mess in thousand dollar shoes."
I laugh and tell him thank you. "So what time does operation 'bare Brights soul start?"
"No clue babes. I need to get the tickets now so standby I'll call you back"
"Bitch you got me outa bed with no plan? You better call me once you got a plan in action."
"Raleigh, eat a dick and get ready."
You spend your life in a dream that you can't escape
'Cause you live your life in a coma, you're never awake
If you'd open your eyes then maybe you'd see what's at stake
