"Shame. She is so ashamed of what he did to her, of what she thinks Chad will think of her, even though he loves her so intense. She is ashamed and in that we connect and that's where Trust me comes in to play. It's a world where anything can be the reality but no lies. Pink flying cars, animals talk, elephants fly, but no secrets. In the world of trust we tell our truths."
"So you'll play this with her and it helps her come out of it?" She isn't judging, she is asking out of concern and I love she doesn’t pander to me.
I nod. "I saved us as kids because of it. It was something I did one night when she was so scared and I was trying anything to get her to talk to me. From then on we just kept playing it and it saved us."
"You're a special kind of amazing Noah Beckett." She says and kisses my knuckles as I did hers before.
"I'm a special kind of fucked up baby. I just need to save her from being me."
She doesn’t say anything, just looks at me with sadness and shakes her head. I know she hurts with how I feel, everyone does. I am doing my best to be what they need, but I don't think I can be normal.I am not typical and I wish they would accept it and stop acting like I should be.
Noah
I get to their bus and meet Bright at the front of my car taking her hand in mine. Chad is at the door holding an awake Noelle in his arms. "What's up? What happened?" I ask and catch her as she leans from Chad's arms into mine. "Hey my girly, why ain't you sleeping?" I ask and hug her to me close kissing her head.
"Mamma is sad and crying." She says with the typical pronunciation of an almost four year old.
I need to get to her so I take Noelle with me. I follow Chad down the hall, Noelle in my arms and Bright's hand in mine until I see Carrie in the chair crying tears streaming down her face. I hand Chad Noelle and let Brights hand go. I fall to my knees in front of her and take her hands in mine. "Hey sissy can you look at me?" She keeps staring off into space, so I strengthen my voice even though its killing me.
"Hey, Carrie. Look at me now, come on."
Her eyes carry the same detached sadness mine do and I see it now as she lets them fall on me. "There you are." I say and smile. She doesn’t smile back but I don't expect her to.
"You wanna play a game sis?" I ask and rub my hand on her arm to let her feel our connection. Chad sniffles and I can see his eyes wet with tears. I give him a look that says'knock that shit off'and he uses the sleeve of his Henley to dry his eyes. I know he hurts when she hurts and I am comforted by his desire to always keep her and Noelle safe, but right now calls for bravery and strength.
She nods through her tears and grabs for my hand. "Right now we are running around your kitchen driving you crazy while you are trying to cook. Noelle and Axe are playing with the flour on the floor and Chad keeps kissing you every time he comes in for another beer."
"And Candey is there, helping me make pumpkin pies?" She asks, her voice shaky. I feel my heart break for the millionth time and cringe looking to Bright for understanding. All I see is her strong support and she doesn’t take it personal.
I do though.
It kills me to do what I am about to do, but I let go and now maybe she needs to as well. My future is sitting beside me, strong and sure and my past is someone we both will always love, but she is our memory and we need to live in her honor and in her name.
It kills me though.
"No sissy. Bright is there though. She's talking your ear off on designer labels and bitching about her manicure being destroyed by the end of dinner." I feel my tears spill over and look to Chad for support. I had made it clear that there would be no tears, yet mine fall freely. I feel his hand on my shoulder in support and Bright smiles at me, tears in her eyes.
Carrie looks over her shoulder at Bright and smiles, coming out of it with a hard cry and looking back at me. "I'm so sorry." She says and curls her arms around me, weeping as I hold her; the pillar of strength she will forever need.
"No need for sorry baby girl. I raised you better than that."
She nods and cries harder. I let her get it out and Chad leaves with Noelle and Bright stays silent behind my sister. "Talk to me Carrie. What brought this on?"
"I'm pregnant." She says and weeps against my shoulder again.
This is not what I expected and I wait patient for her to tell me why that put her in such a terrified state.
She reaches beside her and hands me a small onesie thingy that babies wear. It was white and in yellow… "Mother fucker!" I say and chuck it in the garbage as bile rises in my throat. I hear Chad coming from down the hall and looks at me with confused concern. I point to the garbage and try to collect my thoughts. "When did you find out Sissy?"
Chad holds it up and reads the words that say Worlds Proudest Grandpa on it in bright yellow. I am reminded again why I should have killed him when I had the chance.
"Where'd you get this babe?" Chad asks and shoves it in his back pocket.
"I found it in Noelle's room." She says and I can tell the fear is fading and rage is coming in. "Fuck yeah baby girl. Get pissed!"
I look to Bright to clarify because I can't tell she is scared of what that said. "Our dad sent her a gift."
She gasped in shock and I simply nodded knowing Carrie was good. I stand and stretched my legs looking at Chad. "When did you guys find out we were getting another heathen?"
