“Yeah I feel you.” She says and I nod, letting her hand go as I sit back. I wanted to tell her much I missed her, needed her, but the truth would bring on another endless pain to share and she needed saving from me.
“Did you call the cops on the bikers?” She asks and I almost laugh.
“Snitches get stitches." I say and smile though she doesn’t find my dark humor funny. She never has.
"You got stitches, Noah." She replies pointedly.
"I'm not a snitch Carrie. I knew the gamble of seeking it out, no way am I gonna cry about it to the fucking cops after the bastards beat me. That type of scum exists in any dealer and I risk a beating and death every time I anti up for it.”
She looks at me and I know she wants to push, but lets it go for now. “Touché.” She says and glances down at her list.
“Stop with the list. If you forget something then call me or ask me the next time I’m here. I know we haven’t talked about this stuff but it’s not like I haven’t been here every day Carrie.”
“I know.” She says and sets the list aside. “What’s the deal with Jenny?” I knew, I knew it was coming and I know Carrie hates that Jenny knows what she knows. I know that no one trusts her and I know they are all waiting on Jenny to show that shitty side she is known for. What they forget is that I am just as bad. We all are better than our worst moment, but it is that worst moment we are all stacked up against. I don’t defend Jenny’s choices or fuck up’s any more than she does mine. I just support her need for a friend.
“What deal?” I ask because I can’t help but toy with her. She knows better than to be quick to judge so if she wants answers where Jenny is concerned I will make her come around the hard way. I might be a dick for it, but I taught her better than that.
“Noah, she is almost always with you every time I call you. It’s like she only leaves when you come here.”
I lean forward so she can feel the discomfort of my disappointment.
“Damn straight she does. Why the hell would she want to come here and sit before a jury?” I hold back nothing with Carrie when it is about being good. I prove it now when I let the soft edge of my words let her know she is on thin ice so chose her words carefully. Only problem is, Carrie isn’t afraid of me in the slightest. We are as close as two souls can be, but we know how to fight one another too, and it is a battle of wills.
“Well dear brother, she has earned that judgment. She sits at your side as you fight the biggest battle of your life and expects me to forget that she has her own demons beating her down? She has a track record of bad choices its Olympic Noah. It makes me nervous to see her being your safe place. I don’t think she has the stability to enter your bad place when hers is probably dank as shit.”
“What would you know about it? I admit I judged her from the get go. I have fucked her multiple times and never so much as said goodbye when I left. Chad, Shame and Cal too. We looked at it like we were straight with her, she knew the score so if she wanted to play we would play. I didn’t know her story and I didn’t care. When Tay found out about Axe I was the first to judge against Jenny in Cal’s defense. But, when given the opportunity to see someone for their truth I can’t in good faith keep judging so you all will still like me. She matters Carrie and she has a story that could have killed her but she fights.”
“And Axe? What about Axe Noah? He didn’t deserve her mistakes.” I knew she would go there, hell I went there too in the beginning. I know better than anyone how innocent a child is and how it isn’t a request to be brought to this world. It is a choice that the parents make and it is their responsibility to protect. I judged Jenny, I did and I do not pretend to forget or to act like there was a reason behind it.
“She fucked up. I get it and I don’t condone it, but I know where she has been and what she has done and I know there was little clarity at the time. I know she loves Axe more than she loves herself. I know because I listened when she talked to me. I’ll swear that on my dying breath.” I use this moment to hope that my sisters loyalty is truly to me because what I am about to tell her is to never be repeated.
“What is it?” She asks me and I realize I am almost staring her down, my intense eyes on her.
“You never breathe a word of what I am about to say.” I say and my voice is calm though I am not. I do not pride myself on breaking someone’s trust, but I need Carrie and to have her fully understand she needs the truth. I break that confidence in Jenny only for that reason.
“Really Noah? Like I would betray you.”
“Not even Chad, Sissy.”
“Done. What is it?” Like that and I believe her. Trust is an entity to us, not a word. It’s the code we have lived and survived by so I know that she will be a vault. It doesn’t matter that I have been distant, trust is trust to us.
“When she came clean about Axe, it was about money. Jen is a functioning addict and her drug is anything. She was spinning, no different than I was when I hit rock bottom. Jenny had taken Axe along with her to one of her many parties on a night off at Skin and Axe was asleep in his car seat. Jen was raped by four men while Axe slept beside the bed, in the room. When they were done they tossed a gram of coke and two rocks on the bed. Four men brutalized her for a hundred bucks worth of drugs. When she woke up the next morning Axe was crying and she realized what she had done. She took him to the Dorian’s and ran and went on a four day bender. By the time she tracked you guys down at the mall she was strung out and desperate. What had been her attempt to save Axe became her way of getting her next fix and she wanted money. I went into Skin that night and took her to a VIP room. There I offered her five hundred thousand dollars to sign her rights over and get the fuck out of Washington.”
“What?” She whispers and I nod.
“She agreed to take the money and said she would sign in court. I told her that if she didn't I would hunt her down and make sure she would never see Axe again. I offered her the one thing I had always hoped for us. Save your kid. Point. Blank. When she started crying I told her to save her tears and to disappear and waste away.”
“Noah, I can't believe you paid her.” Carrie is stunned stupid and I know she is trying to make this some grand gesture of loyalty to Cal. She has no idea.
I shake my head because she is not getting it. “The minute she agreed to take the money I knew it was the addiction talking so I asked her a simple question. I asked her if she loved Axe. She looked at me forever Care, the most defeated and yet determined look and told me he was the only thing she valued in this world. This, I don't know, levee inside of her broke then and she told me everything. The parties, the drugs, the fight with trying to get Axe the care he needed without the state finding out how unfit she was. She didn't want to be without him, but she knew when she woke up that morning that anyone of those men could have killed him, or taken him and sold him. It was her mirror moment, where she saw herself in the true light and she rushed to the Dorian’s before she lost her nerve.”
Rolling her eyes she looks at me like I am some gullible chump. “She gave the rights over though, at court so it was about the money Noah. It still is. Only now she gets to play and be fun mom while Cal and Tay get the stress and the worry. It isn’t fair to any of them, but my concern and support lies with Tay, Cal and Axe. I am sorry Jenny had it so hard I don’t wish that on anyone, but as a mom I know nothing would come between Noelle and I.”
Valid point, I don't deny it.
“She never took the money. Before I left that night she asked me for a ride. I agreed and she ended up having me drop her off at detox. She asked me to pay for the treatment instead. I agreed and I walked her in, sat down as they checked her vitals and asked her questions. When they were taking her to her room she looked me dead in the face and told me I saved her life that night. I told her she was fucking nuts because she had no clue, and she didn’t. I left that night and shot up in the parking lot. I visited her every day and let her talk when she needed too. We became friends and it was easy because she didn’t know me like everyone else. It was refreshing to have an opinion that someone wouldn’t counteract. She let me be me, addict and all. I was the first call the morning of court after she signed her rights away. It was me she ran to and fell apart scared she would never see him again. When I was beat down at Skin, she called Cal and Tay and then she left with Sam and I and did for me as I had done for her.”
“I’m glad she has you Noah, I am but I know Axe and the fight he has before him.” Carrie said and I wanted to scream.
