And then the letters all pass through my head
With the words that I was told
About the fading flesh of life and love
The failures of the bold
I can list each crippling fear like I'm reading from a will
The airborne toxic event~Graveyard near the house
Chapter Thirteen
Noah
I think I stood there forever waiting for the words to come knowing they would when I was ready. I squat down to feel close to the stone that represents her.
"No shock how deep I miss you babe." I'm not really one for stating the obvious, but it's obvious and it's not. "Fuck, I fell apart when I lost you and now I am so tangled…" I feel my tears and wipe them away on the sleeve of my hoodie. "I don’t know how to keep living like this baby. You're engrained in me and I don’t know how to live and love again, and remain faithful to a ghost? I miss you so bad sometimes. I just want to come here because it's the closest I can get to you. There are nights I wanted to sleep here but I couldn’t face it…"
I stand and look up to the heavens much like my sister did. "Dammit, this wasn’t fair to me! I suffered enough for fucks sake. You were my reward for the hell I survived just like Chad was for Carrie!" I am yelling and I must look crazy to anyone who may be watching this, but I don’t care. "I haven't been faithful babe. I have fucked my way through America in the year you’ve been gone and now I face something more than flesh and I don’t know how to get past the guilt and the hurt and the anger. Fuck the anger fuels me and keeps me in this cycle!"
I squat back down and hang my head, defeated by my own admissions. "I don’t know if I make sense. I don’t know if I am truly finding the right words. I don’t know if you hear me, or hate me or…" I choke on the last word, fighting to say what I fear most. "Or blame me…" I say it on a sob and can't hold back the sorrow. "I blame myself. I hate myself for not being stronger. I knew better baby... I knew better than to pull over on that stretch of highway. I tried to save you, I would gladly give my life to save yours and I couldn’t." I am gutted at my confession and that I know I believe it. I clear my throat and try to hide the sorrow that is so profound it is hard to breathe. There is a purpose here and begging for a second chance or wishing for a different outcome does me no good.
I cry silently for long moments, digging for the strength to tell her goodbye. " I met someone..." I let that truth settle and it's almost like I am waiting on her response. "I know it sounds so fucked up, but you would love her. I think that you would be proud of my choice. None of my choices have been good up until about six months ago. Cal and me had a huge fight that changed my way of living. He told me…" I feel my tears spill over and there's such intense pressure in my chest and I choke on my sob. "He told me you would turn in your grave, and he was right baby. I fell so hard into my addiction, it was that one thing that forced my change.
"Because of that change, I need to let you go." Saying those words, broke a part of me I don’t think will ever be mended. Maybe it's the part I give her in this goodbye or maybe it will forever stay broken and with me to remind me that I loved once.
"Fuck this sucks so bad and it doesn’t get easier…" I fall to my knees and rest my hands between my legs and cry for long moments. I hate tears and weakness, lately I have been so weak, but here I am not ashamed of my tears. She deserves my truth and I won't rob her of it. "I don’t know if it will ever get easier or if I just have to push through it… but I have to push through babe! I need to live and try to live right. I keep hurting the woman who wants to help me heal. I gave you my heart and now it's not in my possession and I can't move on without it."
I don’t know why I expect a response, it may be my need to let the guilt go or maybe my need to hold on to it. Either way doesn’t matter because I need to let go and this is the only way I know how. "There is no doubt babe, none, that you stole my heart the night we met and you protected it . You gave me yours and never once regretted it. I will always have your heart Candey. There won't be a day that I won't think of you or miss you. I will never know what would have come of us other than I would have loved you regardless. I will always keep you with me baby and I will love her in honor of you. I can't give her my whole heart, a part died with you in my arms. I can give her what's left, and plan too, but first I want to tell you…"
I hear a shift behind me and startle. Carrie, Chad and Shame are standing there, arms folded and head bowed. A sob so loud and heart wrenching tears from me at the sight of their unyielding support. I haven't cried like this since the first few days in the hospital as I tried wrapping my head around the change my life took. I cry for similar reasons today. I squeeze my fingers over the bridge of my nose trying to slow the flow of my tears.
"I… oh fuck, I need to tell you thank you for loving me. I had no right to chase you and win you, but I didn't care because I wanted you. Fuck… so much." I cover my mouth to stifle the sound of my sobs and feel them surround me, giving me their strength. "You made me a better man and I swear toGodI won't let you down baby. I won't toy with her to prove a point like I did with you. I won't fuck around on her and I am done chasing a high…" I pause because my next thought… my next thought is my biggest regret. "I swear I won't risk her life.." I suffer to get my words out through my sorrow. I won't risk her life for a fast fuck on the side of the road…" I break apart and wail in regret at that fucking dumb ass mistake.
"I'm so sorry baby. So fucking sorry I didn't wait like I knew I should have…" My words stop there because I am raw and bleeding my pain and I have said what I needed to say. Sorry doesn’t mean shit unless you had a way to show it. I swore I would do right by Bright in memory of how fierce I loved Candey. I had to show it by doing right this second time around.
"I will never forget you, I will honor the love you gave me. I will tell Noelle about you, and Axe and any other rugrats these misfits bring along the way… I will love her in honor of you baby. As I love you…" I shut my eyes tight as more tears fall. "I will always love you and I need you to be at peace and know thatIam finally at peace."
It was so silent for the few moments after I let her go and I felt a shift in my chest and in my mind, telling me that what I came to do had been done. I could feel a warmth surround me and my flesh went bumpy at the feeling of comfort, telling me that she was indeed at peace.
It only forced more tears and I pulled in Carrie, Chad and Shame to help hold me up. I had rarely sought comfort for fear of being weak. This was strength though, and that embrace gave me more to get through.
Shame took one of my hands and then one of Carries, who then took one of Chad's and in turn he completed the circle by grasping my remaining hand. "We say goodbye to our friend Candey and may her soul forever live within us all. In Jesus name we pray, Amen."
