I stand and reach my hand out to her. "Come with me."
She takes my hand and stands, brushing the mud from her jeans. "Where?"
It takes her less than a second to know where when I point to my very reason for being here.
***
The last time I walked through this cemetery was the day we put her here. Funerals are meant to give closure and help the loved ones say goodbye. This was my closure though. That day I was mad and refused to let her go. I was numb and unwilling to accept that she was gone. I just wanted her here with me. I still do. It's twisted what I feel as I make my way to her headstone. I would give anything, anything to know she was here and it was all a bad dream. I can't say yes, I would walk away from Bright if the fates allowed Candey and me our true chance at a life together. I can't ever imagine saying that I wouldn't make that choice either.
I would never have to. She was dead, gone forever and no begging, praying and wishing would change that. That was the real reason I was here. This was my true closure. One of my many chapters plum full of shit I need to let go, but it was a start. I need her to rest in peace, my suffering and my anger won't change that course of fate.
I watch as Carrie kneels on the wet ground and clears her stone and pulls the overgrown grass from the edges. I see old flowers that have died and know that though I have refused to come here, she has not. And I know it is her because the flowers are night blooming jasmine and a single orchid. Sissy loves night blooming jasmine and the orchid is her flower from Chad.
"You come here a lot don't you?" I ask, my voice just above a whisper. The rain has stopped for now, but the trees are heavy with moisture and her grave is just beneath a large pine.
"I do. I come with Noelle and Chad. A few times with Cassa, but mostly Noelle and I."
I don't know why but it unhinges me knowing my niece and my sister come here for peace. "I haven't been here since her funeral." I admit. Carrie nods but doesn't seem shocked.
"I want Noelle to understand how important she was to us." She stands and places her hand on my arm. "I tell her stories about you and Candey. I tell her about us in school and as roommates. I tell her how Candey cried when she learned Chad and I had named her after you both. I need for her to understand how important her namesake is."
I look at her then because I know she means me as well.
"Both of you..." She says and looks back at her grave with a sadness I understand. "Both of you were the most important and influential people in my life at one point. The only people I trusted to be free with. She pushed me to trust her kicking and screaming. Candey True was and will always be my very best friend."
She was crying by the time she finished talking and I wonder how many times she cried here with Noelle while I sat at some dingy bar or in my house trying my best to forget her.
I walk to my sister, her back to me as she cries softly over the grave of my girl. I place my arms on her shoulders and turn her until she is pressed against my chest. "I am so sorry I haven't been here for you sissy." I feel my tears build in my eyes and here with her in this moment I am not ashamed of being seen.
"I had Chad bubba. I haven't been alone completely."
I nod, unable to form words. I let her cry and I comfort her and in a way, feel a part of my heart heal. "Thank God that pervert loves you." I say and feel her chuckle before pulling back to slap my chest.
"Oh he loves me. Often." She knows damn well I don't wanna know, I tell her as much.
"Shut the fuck up with that you freak." She laughs, wiping her eyes and asks what I know she is dying to ask.
"Why today?"
I stuff my hands in my pockets and let out a long breath. I guess to explain it I need to explain it. "I was content to die alone. I could fuck anyone because I have the ability to separate sex and emotion. Shit… I don’t know it's just different now."
"Bright." She confirms, and I don't deny it.
"The day she came into the studio. I was sitting looking at the mural of Candey and thinking how I missed her. In walked every hot chick I have ever seen in one smokin' body. She was the hottest thing to ever step foot in the PIT. There was an instant connection to her, this pull. I never felt it before. I wanted Candey, no denying it but I never felt that draw like I do to Bright."
I sigh knowing that where this is going next, might get me bitch slapped by my little sister. "That night at your house when she met me not Jer? I was such a dick sissy. I knew I wanted to fuck her and I also knew she would let me. I used it, manipulated it until I was reminded of pulling the same shit on Candey. In that moment I saw me fuckingfangirlsto hurt her. I saw fights and hurting her and knew then and there I would do anything toavoidhurting her. I manipulated her, insulted her." I shake my head and absently brush the rainwater from off the top of her headstone.
"I had no idea she was a sex addict. When I apologized she was willing to forgive me and help me after giving me some shit over it." I smile at the memory of how easily I can connect and relax with her, when I let myself. "Since the tour started, I have pushed her boundaries." I look at her, swallowing, delaying. Carrie can be scary when I piss her off. "I've all but fucked her."
I see her roll her head back in dramatic Carrie fashion, and look at me like the scum I was.
"Meaning…." Carrie asks and I can see her cringing. Knowing the truth will set me free, but most likely make her gag I can't help but laugh.
"I was always flirting with her, then getting offended when she would flirt back. I dry humped her, almost fucked her when GQ showed up and wouldn’t leave." She looks disgusted, and mildly pissed because I called her husband GQ. "It gets worse…"
I stall and avoid her eyes which I am sure are closed in raw fury. "After that big fight we had and she came to the show wearing the TAT shirt?" I see the recognition and continue. "I brought a fangirl back. Bright stood in the doorway watching me fuck her. Fuck, the entire time I was doing it, it was Bright I was talking to. I finally told the fangirl to leave. I couldn’t keep going knowing who I wanted was watching me. She denied me of course considering I had legit just been balls deep in a skank-"
Her hand went up as if to stop me from continuing. "OhmygodI get it." She says cringing and ready to knock my lights out. "Noah, do you realize what you are doing to her restraint?"
