Shit warmed my heart.
She was listening to a song fromNFcalledMansionson repeat and I was intrigued as to what song she was in love with right now.
I wasn't prepared to like it considering it was rap, but after listening I knew who the song reminded her of and why. I text Jen immediately.
Me: Listen to NF Mansions and tell me who you think it reminds you of.
About an hour later she replied.
Jen: Good morning BTW, and it reminds me of you. Big time. Scary.
Me: Bright fell asleep listening to it on replay last night.
Jen: Sounds like you need to call me and tell me what's going on then.
I tip toe out of my room, shutting the door behind me, keeping her iPod because even I admit I'm obsessed with this song. I call Jen who answers on the first ring.
I make coffee and tell her about my epic fuck up last night.
She sighs as I finish with rifling through the iPod. "Noah…"
"Yeah I know love. I know."
"There is a crossroads you need to make your way to honey. You want her, damn honey we all know you do so tell me why you fight it?"
"I am terrified… its fear and guilt and fucking self loathing. Jen I don't know how to risk it all? I didn't know I was risking with Candey, it happened and I never thought she wouldn’t be here. Now I think about surviving it all again."
I think of the inevitability of goodbye, in any form and I cannot breathe for the fear. I cannot bring myself to say goodbye, to her. Again! To trust in myself to love yet again, knowing I will lose again. I have lost my sister by my own hand, my own bullshit. How could I keep hold of something valuable as Bright?
"Look Jen, I need to keep my distance and try to come through this as unscathed as possible."
She laughs. "Honey, good luck. Let me know how it works out for you."
"Jen-"
"No Noah. I can't sit here and talk you into doing what you know you want to do. You are stopping you."
"That's fair, thanks for the help sunshine!" I spat and slam the phone on the counter, breaking it, but it didn't hang up.
I can hear her yelling so I put it to my ear. "Just…-"
"Can I say one thing without you getting defensive?"
I laugh without humor. "Probably not, but give it a try. Jump on in to this nightmare and psychoanalyze me."
"Okay, thanks I will." She says and I can hear her light a smoke, so I do the same and sit on the steps outside of the bus thankful we are stopped for a few.
"I see this house, it's divided into two sides. On one side is the life you have now, full of turmoil and sadness. One the other side I see your band, and Carrie; the kids. I see Bright, all waiting on you to decide. You are the wall that divides this house Noah. You split these two lives and you survive in the center where you can be in both. Stop. Open the patrician and move all the shit out of the sad house and make room for love."
"That's beautiful." I say with sarcasm, feeling like shit because I knew exactly what she was saying.
"You can be so mean sometimes." The prick I am becoming is starting to alienate everyone and I know I need a grip.
"Jen… It's a great analogy, it is. Realistic though? No. Baby I can't break that wall down any easier than I am trying now and I am trying love." My mind goes to a place right then that I fear more than any place it could go.
Cody Beckett.
"I know-"
