Caught in the riptide
I was searching for the truth
There was a reason
I collided into you
Susie Suh Robot Koch~Here with me
Chapter Eight
Bright
Week 3 on the bus
I was dreading tomorrow. Tomorrow we were on the bus alone and for the next twenty hours I was trapped. I tried to slow my pace as we left the venue, but everyone was hurrying because we were leaving immediately to get to Utah for a two night show.
He is happy and funny and just as excited when he is with all of us, but alone he is completely different. The Noah that teased me and made me laugh in the beginning was gone, in his place was some brooding bastard. The only times we talked were when we were doing his step work and I would cheat and let him confide in Jen. We keep that secret between us, because he doesn’t need more shit from Tayla. His sobriety plan consists of following through with the twelve steps of sobriety to completion.
In those moments he is nice, polite. He would open up and talk and I would listen and try to help and if I couldn’t he would call Jen. He was the most diverse person I have ever met. One minute he is focused on his steps and willing to keep fighting the sober fight, the next he would lock himself away, blast music or when he was quiet he was writing music or playing songs.
When he did talk to me it was almost always through text unless we happened to be in the same room with one another, and even then it was 'excuse me, hand the salt please or goodnight.'
And goodnight was always thrown over his shoulder as he lead a fangirl to his room. The first few nights after our … whatever it was, I cried myself to sleep after vomiting from the sounds they made. I have grown accustomed to his attitude and have accepted I was a mistake to him, one he is stuck with. SO I don't see the point in bringing it up. It would do neither of us any good to try to talk it through. We do fine, in an 'you say nothing, I'll say nothing' way.
So why on earth am I so twisted up by him? Because I see him, when he thinks I am sleeping and he tiptoes into my room to watch me sleep, to confess in hushed whispers that he wishes I could be his?
Yeah, I see him on those nights and suffer until morning.
I watch as he takes my safety seriously and in his own hands after the incident at the first show. As he does now, his grip tightening as I slow my feet and he in turns walks faster, pulling me along. He flipped out earlier in between sets when I left with Carrie and Cassa to meet some of the other bands, something that the girls did often. They wanted to build a commrodere of sorts with other wives. By the time we were back he flipped out telling me to keep my ass right fucking here.
I didn't, I stormed off to the restroom, Carrie and Cass in tow. I had cried, completely lost it once the bathroom stall closed. I had fought back my tears and tried to calm down, but when I left the stall they were standing there with their arms open.
I confessed to our little tryst, and told them how he avoids me at any cost unless it's my safety at shows or his step work. I tell them I want to go home.
"You can't go home Bright." Carrie says and pulls me in for another hug. "I can't stand how he is hurting you. I never wanted this, I didn't think this would happen I promise."
"I know." I say and wipe my eyes as I pull from her hug. "I know you didn't, and I figured that even though we were attracted to one another we could be friends." I cry harder as I say the next words. "And wewerefriends. He is so funny and excitable and could make me laugh. I hated how he teased me at first, but he grew on me and I trusted him."
"OooohI could fucking skin him right now." Carrie says and tosses the paper towel she had used to the garbage in one furious toss. The other women in the bathroom were VIP like us, most likely wives or girlfriends of the other bands, but even so they gave their two cents.
"You should have his balls on your Christmas tree this year honey." One of the women said and I couldn’t help but laugh.
"I know I should, but I still don't think he would care."
"Then make him Bright." Cassa said and crossed her arms over her chest. "Trust me, when Shame and I first got in contact again after his dad died. He had this ultra trashy fangirl named Brittany with him."
Carrie makes a disgusted sound and nods. "She was so tacky."
"But I was what he wanted and I used it. Don't get me wrong, I was ten shades of fucked up back then, but I made him remember that I was still standing and better than the trash he should have left at the curb."
The women in the restroom all agreed and hooted in support of her story. One of them chiming in on her own. "Davey cheated on me when they first started the tour. I dumped his ass, but stayed on because I do a lot of the PR. I make him suffer and watch as I am single and he is miserable."
"What we are saying is that he wants you and he is supremely fucked up over it. You need to either stake your claim or accept it. Just know that if you don't fight then you need to accept the consequences and live it the next couple months because I refuse to let you leave."
We made it back to the stage in time, with Cassa touching up my makeup since I left my clutch in the redroom. Once back he came to me and told me to plant my ass until they were done. Carrie smacked him in the back of the head, not hard, but enough to get him to look at her with a glare of things to come. He had to get on stage and couldn’t fight, but the look he gave me was my breaking point.
Now he practically drags me to his bus, keeping his little knight in shining armor charade, dropping it the minute we hit the steps to our bus. It is here that I usually tell him goodnight and lock myself away with ear buds as I write poetry or in my journal, until I hear the obvious goodbye to the girl(s). Every time they cry and whine, surprised they aren't staying. He leads them to the door , closes and locks it, and I have enough time to fake asleep before he comes in for his nightly confession ofoh how he wishes…
