“It’s not enough for what I took Ral.”
“Says who baby? It was an accident Bright.” I want to so badly believe him, but Brittany was my responsibility and I failed her.
“It wasn’t an accident Ral. She was raped at the party I let her go to. It cost her, her life.”
“A life she took Bright. Not you.”
“A life she would have had if I had watched out for her instead of me. I should have been with her.”
Guilt blankets me and I am reminded of why it will never be enough. No amount of good will ever take away my worst mistake.
“Girl, God knows you suffer and you have suffered enough. I keep waiting for you to wake up and see that no amount of good will forgive you, only you can forgive you.”
“Well it's not happening, not yet Ral.”
He dropped it there knowing he would keep at it in hopes I would snap out of this regret and guilt, but over time he learned best to let it go. My atonement was mine and Noah was just another person I could try to help. I would not judge or study him for insight. I would be a friend, it was all I could do and hope for the best.
I discussed the details of the next three months and the help I would need from Ral who accepted, though not happy he knew I needed his support and he gave me it without complaint.
The nine blocks to my hotel went by in a blur as I thought about how I was possibly going to help a drug addict when I had no qualifying skills to help him. I am trying to remind myself that I love hard, I have a big heart and love to help others, I just hope it will be enough and that I didn’t just set myself back four years.
