Slowly she nodded. “Yes. Yes, I thank you. Time is what is needed.”
Several minutes later—as soon as she could manage it, he feared—she was in her own rooms. Perhaps she had found it a ‘comfortable’ visit, albeit brief. If so, she was the only one.
16
SETTING OUT
In the breakfast parlour the next morning, Mr Darcy spoke of various errands he wished to complete before leaving for Pemberley—chief amongst them being the initiation of preparations of her settlement, ensuring that she would always be taken care of. It no longer surprised her that this was of primary concern to him. It did surprise her, however, when he asked her if she wished to visit her aunt and enlist her aid in completion of shopping for a long list of items for her wardrobe that he was certain she would need.
“I would love to have her help. Mrs Gardiner is very stylish herself, and I cannot think of a better person to go to for assistance.”
“Would it be too audacious to send a carriage for her? I apologise that there is not time to do more and arrangeintroductions first, but I had hoped to place the announcement of our marriage in the papers on Monday. If we do not wish to be inundated with visitors, we ought to be well on our way to Pemberley before Monday morning callers swarm en masse. It does not give you many days to shop.”
Elizabeth was amused by his opinion of the time she would need to spend his money. Probably, in the circles of women he knew, shopping was nearly a full-time employment. “She has likely only just received the letter with the news of my marriage, and I imagine she would like to see that I am well.”
He only nodded soberly.
“When I wrote to her, I did not tell her the reason for my hasty marriage. I am sure my parents said nothing. Neither will I do so.”
He covered her hand with his. “I trust you, Elizabeth. Whatever you choose to say or not say is entirely up to you.”
How many men of his stature would be so generous—in all ways? Whether it was his money or his trust, he treated her so liberally!
In response to her note, her aunt changed all of her day’s plans in order to accompany her niece. Elizabeth was pleased when Mr Darcy made himself available for an introduction before they departed, and she watched with satisfaction his response to Mrs Gardiner’s obvious respectability. He was relieved, she could tell.
She could not censure him for his fears—not after her mother’s frequent and boisterous follies.
Once alone in the carriage, Mrs Gardiner did not inundate Elizabeth with questions—it was not her way. She asked only one. “Are you happy, dear?”
Elizabeth examined her feelings carefully. A very few days before, she had been miserable. By the time of her wedding, she had been resigned. But now?
“I think the proper word might be ‘hopeful’.”
Her aunt did not remark upon Elizabeth’s words, only proceeded to tell her about growing up in a town called Lambton, near Pemberley, with the Darcy family well known as the area’s chief inhabitants. “My father knew old Mr Darcy, your husband’s father. He often spoke of how good a man he was. I would expect the same of his son.”
“I believe he is. As you already know, this marriage was accomplished in a great haste. We do not know each other well—I could tell he was a little nervous, wondering if you would be too much like Mama.” Elizabeth tried to smile about this, as if it were not painful.
“And yet, he had you send a carriage for me, regardless. Not to mention that he wishes us to spend a great deal of money today. It seems to me that he cares deeply for your happiness.”
“I think he does. It is all very confusing. Two weeks ago, I had no idea of marriage whatsoever, and today I am Mrs Darcy, while he is still almost a stranger.”
“The beauty of life is this—he will not always be so. You are used to understanding everything there is to know about your home, your world, and all the people in it. At this moment, you are in a place ofnotknowing. This space between the knowing and the not knowing is filled with frustration and bewilderment, exactly because you are accustomed to being a person who alreadyknows. But our greatest growth will always come from time spent in this vexing, ignorant space, no matter what it is that we are trying to learn. It is how we cultivate resilience, which helps in every other aspect of life.”
“It is not easy.”
“Most worthwhile things are not.”
Early Monday morning, Elizabeth found herself on her way to Pemberley. She was almost sorry to go—not only was the London house beautiful and the servants exceptionally accommodating, but she was near her aunt, uncle, and cousins, with whom she had managed to spend much time. She was adept at forming friendships, and had she remained in town for those ‘floodgates’, she was certain she would soon have many. Every evening, she had spent time with her new husband, but could not escape the near overwhelming feelings of awkwardness; she could not seem to form a friendship withhim.
“What I do not know, is how to be a wife,” she said.
Mr Darcy turned away from the carriage window to look at her, and only then did she realise that she had spoken aloud. She felt a blush rising, but was determined to say some of the thoughts that had been troubling her.
“All my life, I have attached the notion of becoming someone’s wife to a series of roles—first as a woman in love, then as the manager of a home, finally as the mother of children. We have upended that order, although I still want to do and be all of those things. I do not know where to start.”
Thankfully, he did not laugh at her. “I can understand that. I had, I think, very different ideas. I believed that I would first select someone who filled my family’s expectations and to whom I was physically attracted, and that those two ideals somehow equalled an idyllic alliance. I was not in the habit of thinking of my wife as an individual with hopes and dreams of her own, nor myself as responsible for encouraging her happiness.”
She nodded. “Tell me, what are the things—no matter how small—which bring you happiness?”
