Skylar and Lyric stopped crying and demanding “retirement” once they were given a task. They helped find a playlist on my phone.
As a GUINEVERE song played, I felt so silly resting on my back. Nothing was wrong with me.
Except maybe I was dying! My chest felt so tight. Tears burned my eyes. I stared at the ceiling, wondering if I was panicking or having a heart attack.
Dan appeared above me, looking disappointed. His frown made me cry.
“You’re scaring her!” Skylar demanded. “You need to retire!”
“Okay, who has been talking about retiring around you?”
“You don’t know. You’re retired,” Skylar muttered and slid on her sunglasses. “I’m not talking to you.”
“Exile, please, chill out, okay?” Lula said as she knelt next to me. “Nova, I get panic attacks from time to time. I’ll feel like I’m cornered and in danger, even when no one is around me. Is that how you’re feeling?”
“I want to hide.”
“Why?” Dan demanded. “Did someone hurt you? Was ithim?”
Lula flashed Dan a snarly look. “Why wouldhedo such a thing?”
“I get he’s your friend, and you want to see the best in him. But your friendship is why you can’t see things clearly.”
“Oryoucan’t see clearly becauseyounearly lost your sister. Now, you’re overly protective.”
“She’s upset. That’s not me imagining things.”
Lyric appeared next to me and handed her Goofy hat to me. “Don’t cry, Mama.”
“I’m okay.”
Lula cradled my face and stared into my eyes. “You have the right to be upset. You have the right toadmityou’re upset. You also have the right to raise your daughters to own their feelings in a way I don’t think you were raised to do.”
Feeling scolded, I started crying.
“You’re retired!” Lyric yelled at Lula. “Go away!”
Lula only smiled at my frantic daughters. “I had three younger siblings with big mouths. You won’t be able to intimidate me, Lyric.”
“I want to!”
“I know, but you can’t. Sorry, baby fox.”
Lyric crawled on top of me and held on tight. “My mama needs to retire.”
Dan rolled his eyes, focusing his anger on whoever pushed the “retire” thing rather than on what might be upsetting me.
After a few songs, I was able to pull myself together for long enough to convince Skylar that she didn’t want to miss playing at school. Lula agreed to take her to class while I got started on the laundry. Dan was dying to give me guff over my mood. He hated it when I got upset, but his worries only made me feel worse.
Rather than poke at me, he took Lyric and the dogs for a walk. I was left at home, where I stood in the family room and tried to figure out what was bothering me.
Boone felt too far away. I couldn’t picture where he might be right then. I worried he might be in jail again. What if someone hurt him?
I found myself walking without knowing where I was going. Worrying about Boone fed my paranoia over the girls being outside the house. They were so little and unprotected.
Wait, Lyric was with Dan. My brother could protect her, except what if he got hurt? I thought of Lula’s abduction. If Dan and his club brothers hadn’t tracked her down, I never would have met her. I’d still live in Baton Rouge. I wouldn’t know Boone existed.
Life was too fragile. People died or went away. There was no way to protect everyone.
