Our gazes drift to him. He hasn’t been the same since we lost Scotty. Honestly, I don’t think any of us have. But it did something to Brad. I have no doubt he carries the same guilt I do that we couldn’t save him. We tried. But we couldn’t.
“Then let’s do it,” Harry says. “I replay that day over and over in my head. I don’t want to go through that again. I can’t lose one of you.” His voice grows shaky with every word, and Jack grips his shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze.
“If we’re being honest, I’ve considered it too. Going back out there after the funeral, it did something to me, and I don’t know if this is what I want anymore,” Jack confesses. A silence falls again, and their eyes drift to me as if they were waiting for my confession, but it never comes.
“Noah,” Brad says. “How are you feeling about staying in?”
I swallow thickly. “I, um, I don’t think I’m ready to leave it all behind.”
They don’t push, and I’m thankful for that. They know my past and my reasons for joining. I’m just not ready to leave it all behind.
“I’ve requested to see the OC when we return to base next week,” Harry says.
“So, this isn’t just a fleeting thought? You’ve really thought about this?” Jack asks.
Harry nods.
“When did you decide?” Brad asks.
“When I got back, and I thought I’d lost my twin sister.” He clears his throat, eyes closing and face contorting in obvious pain. I can’t even begin to imagine how it would feel to find Ria like that. I lean over and squeeze his hand, letting him know we are here for him.
“I should have been there to help her. She’s lost so much, and seeing her like that, the fear of losing her, that must be what she went through and what she goes through every time I leave.She’s been through enough; we’ve all been through enough. I’m not putting her through that anymore. I’m done.”
“I think we all have things to think about,” Jack says with a big exhale, before taking the final sip of his drink.
He’s right. Decisions need to be made; choices decided. Part of me wants to leave, maybe even set up the bar in a sunny state that we have talked about for years. Live an easy life. But then there is the pull to keep running and stay in this life. Here, I feel like I have a purpose. I have a place. In the outside world, I don’t fit anywhere. Now I have a decision to make: do I stay or do I go with them?
Chapter Sixteen
Tori
Grief, anxiety, depression, they are unwanted guests that now take residence inside my body. My body and my mind no longer feel like my own. They belong to these uninvited guests. I feel like I’m burning alive. I spend my days on high alert. Waiting for the next blow to hit. Every knock on the door, every ache and pain in my body tells my brain something’s wrong. Something is coming for me, and I don’t know how to end this vicious cycle. I no longer trust anything. I don’t trust my body, my mind, or the world around me because it feels like every single one of them failed me in some way.
Trying to survive your own mind is one of the hardest battles in the world.
I can’t figure out how to move on, and I’m not sure if I can or even if I want to, because if I move on, does that mean Iforget about Trent and my baby? A life without them feels like a life I don’t want to exist in, and that may be the most terrifying thought of all. Living without them.
Noah kept his promise. He came to see me every day once I got home from the hospital until he had to leave last week for a training exercise. The doctor keeps suggesting I go to rehab, but being away from friends and family is the last thing I want.
It’s been almost a month since my overdose, and I lost the baby, and the only time I get a little reprieve from the agonizing pain is when I’m around my family or Noah.
I lived for his visits.
I spent my days with my parents and my evenings with Noah. My mom insisted I move in with her, but I still need my space. I use my nights to grieve. I cry into my pillow to muffle the sound, and I can’t put my parents through that pain.
But today, for whatever reason, it all feels too much. I canceled seeing my mom; I lied and said my friend, Hannah, was coming over, but she wasn’t because I lied to her too. I have laid in bed, and barely a sip of water has passed my lips. Maybe it’s because I’m nearing another month without hearing Trent’s voice. Maybe it’s because I should be at a point in my pregnancy where I would have felt my baby begin to move, or maybe it’s because Noah hasn’t stopped by.
My reasons to get up and show up are dwindling. Just putting one foot in front of the other is a challenge. I avoid going into town. I can’t stand the stares and the sympathetic smiles. One of the joys of living in a small town is that everyone knows your business. I still find it funny how Trent and I grew up just a town apart, and we had never met until Harry joined the Marines and became friends with him, but maybe that was how it was supposed to be.
My chest aches thinking of the first time I met him when I went to see Harry at his base, after he had passed basic training.I fell for Trent’s cheeky grin and wild green eyes the moment I saw him. His zest for life is what drew me to him. There were so many things he wanted to do but never got around to, and that thought shatters my heart beyond repair. Life really isn’t fair.
My doorbell rings, and I ignore it, pulling my comforter over my head, but it sounds again and again.
“Tor, it’s me. Everything’s okay, just let me in,” a muffled voice yells through the door.
I throw back the cover with an enthusiasm I haven’t had in months and drag my sorry ass to the door. I look through the peephole and my heart rate spikes when I see a familiar face. I turn the lock, slide off the security chain, and yank the door open.
“Noah,” I say on an exhale.
